


Just a little cracked

by JustYourAverageSlytherin



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Connor is an even bigger idiot, Despression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Flashbacks, Internalized Homophobia, Kevin is an idiot, M/M, Mentions of conversion therapy, PTSD in a way, Panic Attacks, Ugh, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, What else is new, detail of what happened to Kevin, hell dreams, mentions of self harm, self hate, small gestures, so in other words mentions of rape, sorry im 14 idk how to do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-18 13:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19335145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustYourAverageSlytherin/pseuds/JustYourAverageSlytherin
Summary: Kevin is cracked. Come to think of it, he’s always been a little chipped on the outside, a little damaged on the inside.But now? He thinks he might break.Or: Kevin has issues, Connor has more issues and they are both dumbasses.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so first I just want to say hi, I am new to this whole writing thing, so I hope you guys don’t kill me lol.  
> I had this idea for a fic, not a complete one of course, but I knew I had to get it down and this is what turned out?  
> Anyway thanks for giving me a chance and I hope you enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> Plz don’t kill me I’m only 14

Chapter one: 

_Kevin dear,_ he remembers his mom saying. 

_I want you to make Heavenly Father proud alright? Be a good boy, and God will never turn his back on you._

 

_But try as he might, Kevin Price is not a good boy._

 

* * *

 

Kevin is broken. 

Well not completely at least, just a bit cracked around the edges. He’s more in the in between area of being _ok_ and completely shattering. 

After the “Arnold Incident,” as all the Elders liked to call it, Kevin didn’t know what to do with himself. Before, he had a purpose. He had a God. He had  _everything._

And now? No. Kevin doesn’t even have himself. 

The sunlight is streaming in through the partly open curtains. Kevin has been awake for several hours now, his stupid brain and all the nightmares keeping him up. 

_Besides when your addicted to caffeine, it’s hard to fall asleep,_ he lamented. 

There was a knock on his door, he rolled over and looked in the direction of the noise. Arnold wasn’t in the room. He was probably at breakfast already. 

“Elder Priiice,” a singsongy voice called from the other side. Elder McKinley.

 The brunette groaned and rolled back over again.

If there’s one thing Kevin doesn’t get more than himself, it’s Elder McKinley.

The shorter Elder is always chipper, willing to help everyone and compliant to their needs. To everyone except Kevin of course. He isn’t _stupid,_ he knows why the elder dislikes him, and hey, it’s why he dislikes himself too. 

But the way he _looks_ at Kevin is is what bothers him the most. 

One day he’ll stare at Kevin like nothing else matters, and the next, he’ll be glaring at him, cold and calculating, making Kevin’s skin itch and mind scramble for something he did wrong. 

.....and he says that _Kevin_  is the one with attitude problems.... 

The door knob jiggled, as the elder on the other side of the door got tired of waiting and opened the door on his own.

“Good morning Elder!” Kevin grunted into his pillow, not addressing the cheery ginger at hand.

”Oh c’mon! There’s no need to be like that!” McKinley places his hands on his hips, strangely reminding Kevin of his mom. He shot a look of annoyance at the district leader. 

“What do you want?” Kevin was already done with this conversation. 

Elder McKinley purses his lips. “You should eat.”

“I don’t wanna” Kevin said, mumbling. Ugh. He needed to see Naba.

Nabulungi and him have bonded recently, ever since Arnold and her started dating. The three of them have become a team of sorts, although Arnold is busy now with writing new stories and preaching. With the majority of Elders ignoring him, he goes to Naba with his issues. He probably appreciates her more than anyone in this country, she actually _listens_ to him and never berates him for how he is feeling.

Why can’t everyone be like Naba?

The brunette swings his legs out of bed and quickly throws on a shirt over his garments. He walks hastily past the short redhead in the doorway, ignoring the calls of his name, and sprints out into the sunlight. He immediately cringes away from the blinding brightness that assaults him. He’s never liked the heat. He breaths in the fresh air and tries to clear his thoughts. 

His mind has been a cabinet of clutter lately. Ever since that day, since God decided to break Kevin a little further, he can’t sleep. Can’t eat. Can’t do anything.

It’s so _pathetic_ , how he just... can’t function.

All his energy, of what there is, is spent keeping his thoughts off what happened. 

He manages most days, he does, with Arnold always encouraging him, but sometimes his mind spins so _fast_ and his heart hurts so _bad_ he just lies there, numb.

Why can’t he _just do something?_

Kevin hates to admit it, he really does, but people like Elder McKinley is why he puts up a facade of being okay. Why he throws on a plastic smile.

He knows it can only last for so long.

He knows that.

Shuffling his feet down the small path leading into the village, he can’t help think of his mom. She would have loved Africa. While boring, it’s beautiful and Mrs. Price has never been one to throw away something beautiful. He remembers something she told him once, when he accidentally squished a bug under his palms. He had been crying because _he really didn’t want to squish it._

_God loves all his creations. As long as you love them the same, no harm will come to you._

Kevin scoffs as unpleasant memories flooded his thoughts. His mom, while he loves her, is a fucking liar. Where was God when he needed his protection? 

He kicks a rock.

Kevin, ever since the excommunication hasn’t spoken with his parents. They don’t send letters and he doesn’t either.

And _no_ it doesn’t hurt, why would it? It’s not like they cared for him…

_Kevin can remember running along with his younger brother, Jack. They were playing tag._

_The sun was shining, it was late morning, early noon. It was perfect._

_All of a sudden, Kevin trips and falls, his arm catching under his body weight. There is a searing pain, along his wrist and forearm. He remembers crying out, Jack going to get his mom._

_“Mama!” He cried. “It hurts….” She knelt beside him, a look of disapproval on her face._

_“Kevin, dear, how many times have I told you to be a good boy? And look, now this happens.” He is crying now._

_“I - I’m sorry mama-“_ _he felt pain._

_“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to Heavenly Father. This will heal once you are good again. You need to follow the rules next time.”_

_Kevin stopped crying._ _Now he felt shame._

_“Yes mama.”_

_They took him to see a doctor. He had a fracture in his wrist apparently, it wasn’t broken._

_No, not yet._ _Just a crack._

_from now on, he won’t let God down. He will be a good mormon boy, he will._

_But try as he might, Kevin Price is not a good boy._

Kevin finally reaches Nabulungi’s hut, and spies her sitting on the wooden floor of her small porch, typing on her “texting” device. She looks up at his footsteps. 

“Is that another skinny white boy I see? Because I swear you keep multiplying!” She says jokingly as she squints at him.

He laughs. Naba can always make him laugh.

Kevin protests her words, “Oh haha, and hey I’m not that skinny!” He sat down next to her. “I'd like to think I’m quite strong actually.” He pretended to show off his muscles and she giggled.

“Yes so strong, like Arnold.” She looked at him for a serious moment and then they both giggled.

“Oh Arnold.... I love him but he can be a lot sometimes.” Kevin nodded. Arnold was his best friend - he made that clear enough within the first hour of meeting him. Kevin probably owes his life to his whirlwind of a friend.

“Hey white boy?” Kevin didn’t look up.

“Kevin?”

He looked up then, Naba only said his name when she was worried about him. His face must have given something away. 

“Are you ok?” She looked concerned.

Kevin sighed, and nodded.

“I’m alright I suppose.”

_i can’t sleep at night, and sometimes I wonder if I hate God as much as he hates me_

“just a lot of things in my mind.”

Her eyebrows creased. “Like what?” he gives her a look of warning, but she just shrugs. 

“It’s Elder McKinley.” Well, it’s not a complete lie he supposes. Just not the whole truth. 

Now her face was one of confusion. “The pasty ginger one?”

Kevin snorted. “Yep.”

“Well what’s wrong with him?” Naba questioned.

“Well for one, he’s annoying!”

Naba giggled at his sudden change in tone. 

“Hey don’t make fun!” He teases. She laughs. 

“Okay. Continue on with your sob story.”

He stick his tongue out and continued. 

“Oh and _don’t_ get me started on his attitude towards me! He’s always so hot and cold, on and off! He’s like a robot! _Kevin_ _do this, Kevin do that, stop being such a shit Kevin no one cares about your problems Kevin!”_

He turned his head towards her. “Why can’t he just leave me in peace?”

Naba smirked at Kevin. “For someone who hates him, you sure do spend a lot of time thinking about him.” 

Kevin mocked gasped. “Naba you wound me! And hey this is serious!” 

She grinned. “Okay okay! Well...” 

“Maybe he’s trying to look after you?” She started picking at the wood beneath them, absentmindedly as she thought of an answer. 

“Why would he do that?” _Look after him?_

“I don’t know the answer to everything white boy, figure it out yourself.” Kevin rolled his eyes but only teasingly. Leave it up to Naba to be blunt. He thinks that’s why he respects her.

“Hey white boy” she whisper yelled.

“What?” He did the same back

“He’s coming here”

“Who?”

“Elder McKinley”

Kevin turned around. “Oh fuck” he says.

Naba slaps his arm. “Be nice” he glared at her and then turned his attention to the district leader approaching them.  

“Oh Elder McKinley... fancy seeing you here.” Kevin says not at all sarcastically. The Elder in question sends a sharp glare towards Kevin.

“Elder Price. We need you back at the hut. Arnold is talking about his new idea for the Book.”

“Is he really making it a book?” Naba elbowed him in the side. Ow. He is seriously taking some physical abuse today. 

“I- I mean that’s great.”

He shot a _please help me smile_ at Naba, which she snorted at, before getting up and dusting off his pants.

The two started off towards the mission hut in awkward silence, their shadows matching in length as they walked. Neither Elder made eye contact with the other. Kevin has always had a knack for putting his foot in his mouth, and what better time than the present right? 

“Do you, like, hate me or something?”

The pair was almost outside the hut now. Kevin needed an answer. No, they weren’t close but this Elder confuses him to no end. Kevin needed to know what made this guy tick. He was like a puzzle Kevin couldn’t place, and Kevin hates being wrong. 

The district leader stopped walking and Kevin had to quickly follow, to not run into him. The ginger turned towards the taller Elder, fully facing Kevin.

“What do you mean?”

Kevin couldn’t read the others expression at all. He huffed, kicking at some gravel in exasperation. 

“I mean. Do. You. Hate. Me. Or. Something? Your always nagging me about this or that and I hate it!”

Connor blinks at him, no emotion playing over his features what so ever. Come to think of it, he is always completely composed. He never breaks any of the rules, except for swearing, and never has a hair out of place. He’s always willing to help, and listen to others. It aggravates Kevin beyond belief.

Probably because the Elder doesn’t have a problem with anyone but Kevin. 

What maddens him the most, beyond anything he does, what is always on Kevin’s conscious thought, beyond the way he looks at him, is the way he doesn’t _break_. No matter how intently Kevin looks, he can never see the other crack. 

But then there’s himself of course. Who can’t even get out of bed in the morning because what’s the _point?_

“Well maybe if you didn’t make your issues the loudest thing in the room I wouldn’t have to.” 

“What? I do not! Besides I don’t think you should talk, with all your... issues.” Kevin stands up taller, raising his eyebrows in defiance to the district leader words. 

“Don’t make this about me Elder.” McKinley's eyes were an icy blue now. He continues. “And yes, you do. It’s always something with you, and nagging is the only way to ever get you to listen!” 

“You need to control yourself and your issues, okay?”

Now Kevin really felt anger boiling. Yeah, he might have started the conversation, but how _dare_ McKinley use things like that against him? Kevin narrows his eyes. Fine. Kevin can play dirty. He never was good at being nice anyway. 

“Oh right Elder. Just like? Turn it off?”

The words that left his mouth had no way of falling short in their intent. Kevin felt fire in his veins when McKinleys eyes flashed with something dangerous, when his stoic face faltered. 

Good. There is a crack in the stone then.

The district leader shook his head in retaliation. Without saying another word, he strode past Kevin, bumping their shoulders as sort of a warning not press any further. Kevin’s eyes flowed the retreating figure as he calmly opened the door to the hut, and stepped inside.

Kevin glared at the spot where the Elder used to be. He wouldn’t even be arguing with the older elder if he wasn’t so damn _strange!_

If he didn’t make Kevin _feel_ so damn strange.

Kevin shook his head, straightened his tie and without a thought towards what had just occurred, marched inside he small house. 

 

His shoulder burned. 

* * *

 

In the coming weeks, Kevin’s moods didn’t get better.

They in fact only seemed to change around a certain Elder, and it didn’t change for the better.

That much was obvious.

Kevin was lying on his bed again. He seemed to be doing that a lot, although the nightmares have subsided a bit.

Well, more like hell dreams, but who has to know?

Arnold is keeping him company telling a story of what happened to him while he was preaching. Kevin is trying to focus on his voice, but he is _so_ damn tired. 

“ - So then I was like yeah! That’ll show him! I grabbed the book and started reading, and you should have seen the guys face! And - Kev? Are you listening?”

“Huh?”

Kevin was almost asleep. It was only noon.

“Hey are you feeling alright buddy? You seem really down lately.”

Even Arnold knew that Kevin could have his ‘moods’ but as of late he seemed so anxious.

Arnold has to force him out of bed more times than not.

“Oh… yes I’m alright pal. Thanks for asking.”

_More lies,_ Kevin's brain said.

_Shut up,_ Kevin told his brain.

“....do you want to talk about anything?”

Arnold really wished Kevin would explain what happened. Ever since that day he found him, at that coffee place, Kevin wasn’t the same.

Arnold will never forget how he looked.

Shaken, beat up, and hostile.

That day, Arnold’s mind was racing a million miles an hour, but Kevin’s expression made him halt. He will never forget the words Kevin said to him, about being stuck with him, although he has most definitely forgiven him. He just wished Kevin would tell him what’s going on inside his head.

Kevin shrugged half heartedly at Arnold’s proposition. The questioning did make him think, not for the first time, of why he’s keeping it inside? Why does he dig a hole inside his chest, so big and deep that Kevin thinks it might never see the light of day? Because if he lets it all out, he might have nothing left. All of Kevin’s cracks might finally shatter into a million pieces that no glue, no tape could ever manage to fix.

So instead, he told Arnold, “No, I’m alright.”

“Tell me more about what you said?” He shuffled his body so he laid on his side. “Also how is Naba?”

_He could do this._

His brain said. His heart disagreed.

_Just don’t feel those feelings and everything should be alright._

Arnold knew there was no point in pressing him right now. Best not make him mad after all, no one wanted to deal with that. So he continued even if Kevin wasn’t listening.

“Well anyway, the guy I was telling you about? He looked so scared! And I’m not even that scary, have you seen me-“

Kevin made a mental note to thank his best friend for not pushing. What did Kevin do to deserve Arnold Cunningham will forever be a mystery. He closed his eyes and focused on Arnold’s loud voice. 

But apparently his mind had other ideas, flashing back up that day that would ultimately shape Kevin forever.

_No one can convert a crazy warlord!_ _That would take something incredible!_

_And boy was he something incredible._ _Incredibly stupid._

Eventually he dozed off, and when Arnold saw Kevin’s head hit the pillow, he tip toed quietly out of the room so not to disturb him. As he closed the door to their room behind him he let out a soft sigh of relief. 

Arnold needed to talk to Necrophilia.

 

Later that day, Kevin was sitting on the couch, skimming through his old Book of Mormon. Where as a year ago, this was his solace, now it just brings boredom and a bad slew of memories.

Elder McKinley walked into the living room area, searching for the shopping bag they always take to the market.

Then he spotted Elder Price.

He sighed inwardly. No one knew what was up with him these days, especially not Connor. He just didn’t know how to handle him. Kevin is like a wolf. He may look majestic and bold, fierce and confident. But in reality he is more scared of you than you could ever be of him.

Connor knows the Elders have been getting bored as of late, he has tried to keep them motivated, but even that has failed recently. But for now, Elder Price needs to stop moping. 

“Elder Price you are coming with me to the market today.” McKinley said to him.

Kevin looked up at the district leaders voice. “What! Why?” Kevin protested. You couldn’t pay him to spend a day with Elder McKinley.

“Because other people are actually useful and are doing their jobs and you are just moping.” Connor knew he was being harsh, but harsh is the only way to deal with Kevin sometimes.

Kevin rolled his eyes. He hadn’t been feeling well the past few days, in fact, he’s been feeling down right shitty.

And besides, his palms were itching for a fight.

“Well have you ever considered why I’m moping Elder? Or did you just not care?”

Connor rolled his eyes. _God why is he so difficult?_

“Honestly I don’t. Maybe if you told me I would but we both know that’s not gonna happen. So get your ass up and come with me.”

“Ooo swearing are we? Aren’t you supposed to be district leader or something?”

Kevin is so tired. tired of Elder McKinley, of himself and his stupid mouth.

_“_ Of what district? We don’t exactly have one thanks to you.”

Connor flinches on the inside at his own words. He hates being mean, he really does. No matter what his behavior suggests otherwise. And besides, he can’t blame Kevin for everything. 

_Or maybe he could. It’s easier than getting attached to him._

Kevin glared at him, breathing in some restraint to completely refrain from punching the short ginger in the face. He helped these people for fucks sake and this is what he gets?

“Fine. But don’t talk to me, and _don’t_ touch me.”

The district leader rolled his eyes, and started walking towards the door. Kevin got up and slowly started following him.

Connor felt his gaze in his face, making his skin crawl and cheeks burn.

“So.... what are we getting?” Kevin tried for conversation.

Connor rolled his eyes. He finally glanced up and met the others gaze, unsure on how to handle the simple conversation.  _He can manage small talk right? It’s not like he’s having some life altering conversation with him. And no the sunlight does not make his skin glow! Connor turn it off!_

Connor, ever since Kevin walked through the mission door has been having some…. Issues.

“Oh the usual.... flour some eggs and rice. Oh! We also need to get supplies for Elder Davises birthday...” Connor kept chatting, desperately trying to distract himself. Whenever he is in Kevin’s presence, Connor’s mood goes wacky.

He wants nothing more than to stare at Kevin and maybe play with his perfect hair, but there’s something so _stubborn_ about him that makes Connor want to scream and cry and laugh all at the same time.

But he doesn’t. No. He turns it off.

Because he’d much rather pretend to be mad and indifferent at Kevin, than to be totally and truthfully in love with him.

As the district leader talked, Kevin was hit by the revelation on how _easy_ it is to actually talk to Elder McKinley. They weren’t fighting. They were _talking._

Dang. Kevin started to smile, all lopsided and genuine but stopped once he felt Elder McKinley’s gaze upon him. He probably looked creepy. 

They lapsed into a comfortable silence after that, and Kevin was more than content with it.   

The market was about an hours walk from the mission hut so when they got there Kevin was very relieved to have found shade again. He doesn't burn easily, unlike Elder McKinley which he finds very fortunate. The district leaders nose is burned, and almost matches his hair color. For some reason Kevin finds it adorable.

In the market area, the two went around and looked at all the items the vendors had to offer. Ultimately they only bought one thing extra, the game of monopoly. They had a strict budget after all.

Because Kevin wanted to buy literally everything, Connor having to talk him out of it, it takes them around another hour before they almost have everything they need. Connor almost laughs at his comical Kevin looks, eyes wide at the foreign food and items. 

“Yes ma’am, two bags of flour please” Elder McKinley says, holding out money for the market villager to take. She shakes her head.

“Half price.”

Connor stares blankly. “What?”

“Half price if you,” She points at Kevin. “nichukue nje tarehe”

Connor freezes at that, having been learning a bit of Swahili. He feels a dark feeling in his stomach, something he isn’t too fond of.

“What did she say?” Kevin whispers beside him, breath in Connors ear. He shudders at the sensation. Well this is awkward. 

“She says we can pay half price if you take her out on a date.” He side glances at Kevin’s slightly shocked face and feels satisfaction. _Oh em gosh Connor turn it off_

Kevin’s eyes go wide, “What! Um I mean no thank you...” he half apologizes to the woman who waves her hand in dismissal. He glances at Connor who, for some odd reason has a small smile on his face. Kevin finds himself smirking too, though he doesn’t particularly know why. 

_He is in the ninth grade, and Abby Smith, along with three other girls asked him to homecoming. She has a small smile on her face, it’s almost shy as she approaches him, and it falls when Kevin rejects her._

_“Um. No thank you.” Kevin says awkwardly. He doesn’t like these girls, especially not Abby Smith. Yes she is attractive, at least that’s what the other boys say, but Kevin isn’t in to her. In fact, he’s never liked a girl before. Kevin takes that as being on the right path with God._

_“Please Kevin? You’re super handsome and sweet!” Abby pleads. Kevin bites his lip._

_“Do you believe in Heavenly Father?”_

_She looks taken aback. “No, no I don’t.”_

_Good. “_ _Well then I wish you all the best in hell.”_

_He walks away, fully aware of her calling his name in apology. He didn’t want to be mean, that’s not what the book says good mormon boys are._

_Kevin is not a good boy._

 

“Full price please.” The woman says. 

Kevin sighs in relief, snapping out of his memories. Elder McKinley hands over the full amount.

Later, when walking back, shadows matching up once again in the evening light, Connor comments, “Well that was.... interesting.”

He looks sideways at the boy next to him, and _oh_ that was a mistake because Kevin grins back at him, and Connors heart skips a beat. He has to look away. 

Kevin likes this conversation. This is simple. This is easy. “Yes.... super interesting.” 

Elder McKinley laughs and knocks his hand on Kevin’s arm.

“Ow!” Kevin smiles despite the hit to his arm. 

“Oh don’t let it feed your ego!”

“Haha how could it? When you give me so many compliments in the first place.” Kevin teases lightly. 

They both laugh but Connors smile is strained. _Was it something I said?_ Kevin didn’t mean to make him mad.

They finally arrive back.

“Oh well... here we are. I... I actually had a good time.” He looks Kevin in the eye, and manages a small, closed lipped  smile to spread across his features.

Kevin pauses and looks down at the shorter Elder. Was his hair always that red? Must be the sunset on the horizon, bringing out the color in his hair. Chocolate eyes and ice orbs mix together in an odd, but not unpleasant way. 

Kevin finally manages to say something back, words caught in throat.

”Yeah. Me too.” Then he grins at the district leader, genuine and full, before heading inside the hut. 

If he had turned around he would have seen the blush on Elder McKinley's face.

 


	2. When your feeling certain feelings....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There might be a little more to the district leader than Kevin imagined...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeyyyyyy so I’m back. Oops. Anyway hope you enjoy, and hope this is better than the last chapter. Stay with me, I promise this will go somewhere!

 

As soon as Kevin fell asleep that night, his mind was plunged into hell.

The world became red, the heat overwhelming. The rocks were spiky and black, cutting into Kevin as he fell to the ground, heart beating wildly.

 _Please no not this again. God no,_ he pleaded. But there was no God here.

Fire burned around him. Scorching him. Blisters on his face, arm and back. Pain like he never felt before raced through him. But that was not the worst of it. No. Faces came out of the embers that floated away from the inferno, the faces took shape, then body and eventually they were surrounding him.

 _“Kevin!”_ A voice cried.He snapped his head around at the voice, the _too_ familiar voice. 

Kevin’s eyes widened in shock.

His mother. Elder McKinley. Nabulungi. And then himself. They are lined up in a row, maybe twenty feet apart, all in front of a fire that burned with ferocity.

 _“Help Kevin!”_ Naba cried. _“It burns…_.” 

tears streamed down her face, and only when Kevin glanced at her eyes, lips trembling, did he realize that they weren’t tears no, it was blood. His heart dropped, he tried to stand up but found his feet unable to move. His breath started to become erratic. “ _Naba_!” He called. But then another voice cut through the smoke encasing them, causing Kevin to whip his head around at the call of his name.

_“Kevin save me!”_

It was Elder McKinley. Except he wasn’t alone.

Kevin shook his head frantically at the sight in front of him, clawing at the ground, begging himself to move, to help do _something,_ as henow could make out the shape of the thing behind the short Elder, and found it wasn’t just his imagination at all.

The General was standing behind the Elder, gun pointed at his head.

But then his mom's voice cut through more than the smoke, more than the fire surrounding them. Her voice cut through his ears, his heart and his being.

 _“Kevin! Please help!”_ She shrieked, causing salty tears to fall from Kevin’s face. He was clenching his fists so tightly, blood started to seep from where his fingernails dug into his skin. Kevin’s face went ashen at the sight of her, so familiar and yet so indifferent to how he remembered her. She was standing in front of a wide pit, one that only led into darkness. The fire surrounded her, no escape from her trap.

 _“Mama…”_ he yelled, his voice scratchy and thick. He tried to scoot forward on his haunches, to do _anything_ to help, scratching until his hands were cut from the rocks and blue from using them, but before he could properly lose his mind, a shadow appeared in front of him, stopping Kevins frantic movements.

He looked up and saw…. himself?

He would recognize that arrogant attitude anywhere.

Past Elder Price glanced down, and Kevin shivered with deja vu, momentarily forgetting where he is. Was he really that much of an egoist? He can feel it radiating from him.

 _“Oh Kevin…”_ Elder Price drawled.

His voice was like ice, that sent chills down Kevin’s spine even in this environment.

_“What has happened to you? You used to be so special, Heavenly Father had a plan Kevin. For you. For me. Why throw that all away?”_

Elder Price knelt next to Kevin on the rocky ground, leaning in so close to Kevin, he was able to see the red pupils in the demons eyes. Kevin tried to escape but alas, could not.

 _“You were such a good mormon, Kevin.”_ Elder Price hisses at him, words cutting Kevin in the gut.

_“Such a good boy too. But now? No. Better to let you burn in Hell.”_

Kevin had begun shaking, mind scrambling as he tries to get away. To get away from the pain. From Hell. From himself. 

 _Imagine that,_ he thought, in the back of his mind, where some clear thought was able to shine through. 

_Your own words, your own actions, becoming your downfall. Sound familiar?_

Kevin grabbed his hair and pulled, shaking hands scratching and yanking, his heart beating out of control as he curled into a ball and his insides swirled  around, making him sick.

He started yelling at some point, throat raw, tears streaming down his face. He needed this to stop _right fucking now he swears to God…._

A loud demonic cackle caused him to gasp and look up at the horror unfolding. Just as he did, he sees the General shoot Elder McKinley. Out of the corner of his eye he sees his mom tripping forward, and Naba collapsing. Dead. Dead. All dead.

 

Kevin could only scream as his counterpart laughed at his anguish.

 

* * *

 

Kevin gasped awake, panting as he clutched the bedsheets. His chest was heaving up and down, his heart thundering in his ears. His eyes stung with unshed tears, retinas burning with all the things he dreamt of, although the details were already fading.

 _It’s ok_ he told himself. You’re in the mission house. Arnold is snoring like an earthquake next to you. The Elders are asleep and everything is alright.  

His throat scorched, and he blinked, causing the tears in his eyes to fall. He remembers Naba’s tears streaming down her face - which really weren’t tears after all. Kevin feels his stomach clench and swirl as all the images were brought back to him.

He’s gonna he sick. He quickly gets up and throws the cover sheet off of himself tripping to try and get out of the stuffy room.

When he’s outside, he realizes that he’s in nothing but boxers and a T shirt, having abandoned mission garments a few weeks ago, but the slightly cooler air gave his lungs some relief. As he stumbles about the hut, gasping, trying to quiet his footsteps, he searches for a candle to light his way, as the moon isn’t out tonight.

Finally he manages to light one, hands shaking,  as the room floods with minimal lighting. He wipes tears out of his eyes and smooths back his rumpled hair, calming himself down.

Carefully, he pulls a mug out of the cabinet and starts filling it with water. As he’s turning off the tap, he hears a noise, not unlike his own a couple minutes ago... was that crying?

 

He quickly drank his glass, water cooling his sore throat and looked over towards the noise.

Kevin recognized the shadowy shape sitting on the couch. Elder McKinley. Kevin thought of his hell dream, and then didn’t, when the nauseous feeling returned. The district leader was perched on one of the cushions, head in his hands, curled into a ball, sobbing. Kevin felt his heart drop. He cautiously approached the ginger, barely noticeable in the dark.

“Um Elder McKinley?”   

The said Elder in question gasps and snaps his head towards the call of his name. His eyes were wild.

“Ah! Elder Price? Good Lord in Heaven you scared me! What are you doing out of bed?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing, Elder” 

“I asked first” 

Kevin huffed. “Fine. I had a hell dream. You?”

 

“....same here I suppose.”

“Would you like to talk about it?” Kevin didn’t even know why he was offering, he knew _he_ wouldn’t want to talk about his own dreams. But Kevin did, and now he couldn’t back out. He sat down next to the district leader on the couch, far enough away not to invade his personal space. In the bare light Kevin couldn’t see much but he could gather the other Elder was still crying, if the small hiccups he gave were any clue.

 

“Elder?”  Kevin asked again, tone soft so not to scare him.

“Connor.” He corrected.

“What?” Kevin said in confusion.

“My name is Connor. No need for formalities I suppose, not now.”

Kevin smiled, although this was most definitely not the time to smile. “Of course. My name is Kevin.”

Connor giggled, his voice stuffy from his tears.  Can boys giggle? Kevin supposed they could. It was kind of cute.

“I already knew that dummy.”

Kevin blushed. “Oh... right…” he scratched his neck in embarrassment. Elder- No. _Connor_ gave a small grin but then got serious. His shoulders dropped and eyes got tired.

“Does God hate me?” He suddenly asked, in a small voice, looking right at Kevin. Kevin froze, because that’s a question he’s been asking quite often too. But he shook his head instead, trying comfort over truth.

“No.... no Connor… he- he created you. I mean I’m not sure if.....” he took a deep breath.

“I’m not sure if I believe in him anymore so I’m not the best person to ask.”

Connor nodded. “That’s understandable. It’s just that...” tears started to leak out of this eyes again, making a trail down his freckled face.

“I feel like I can’t be myself. Why create me like… _this,_ and then have me taught I’m going to hell? Why have me _fixed_ when all I can do is sin? What’s the - the _fucking_ point huh?”

Connor was getting worked up, breathing becoming harsher and his hands clutching into fists at his side. He turned his head towards Kevin, eyes wild.

“Sometimes,” he grabbed Kevin’s forearm, and squeezed tightly.

“I think about ending it all. How easy it would be? Do you ever think that way? Just…. just ending it? Because I want to. I- i.”

He chokes on a sob that ends his sentence and covers his mouth and the noise. Kevin was in shock, staring at Connors red rimmed eyes as he violently shook. He’s panicking. Connor was kind of hysterical at this point and seemed to realize it too, when he saw the horrified look on Kevin’s face.

“Connor.....”

He let go of Kevin’s arm, scooching back on the couch.

“NO!” Connor practically yelled. His hands gripped the side of his hair, scratching it and pulling. He breathed deeply once.

“No. You know what Kevin? I’m fine. Really I am!” Connor tried controlling the emotions on his face, scrunching up his nose in the process, and wiping at tears furiously. “I’m not crazy. I’m fine. I’m fine!” He stood up now, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive manner. Once he looked at Kevin again his face was completely calm. Connor huffed, all snotty and wet.

“God. I'm sorry.” He glances up at the ceiling.  “How crazy am I? I should just,” He made a motion. “Turn it off, right.” His smile was too wide. Too strained. Kevin had glue in his throat. His body, unable to react at Connors outburst, and his mind was still catching up. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he had to say something.

 _“No_ . I won’t allow you to turn it off again Connor. You are better than that! You... you _deserve_ better than that. Let me help you....”

He tried getting up and nearing Connor but Connor backed away before he could do anything.

The district leader shook his head.

“No. I can’t. I can’t let you do that.” Connor was angry now, at least that’s the emotion he portrayed, but now Kevin knew there was a slew of emotions just under that mask he liked to call a face.

Kevin stared at the red head, trying to catch on to some of them. He stared at Connors face catching the candle light. He stared at the skin that glinted and glowed in the morning hours. He stared at the bags under his eyes. Those ice orbs that look so _sad._  

“I was cursed like this! I get hell dreams every freaking night, and you know why _Kevin_?” The ginger snarled.

“Because I _deserve_ them.”

He spat back Kevin’s words with so much conviction, the brunette almost flinched.

“Don’t tell me that everything will be alright just because _Elder Price_ said so.”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed at the accusation. At the way Connor said his name. Lots of people said it like that in the past.

But _Elder Price_ was a different person. 

_A different monster. A monster I used to be._

_Now I’m just Kevin._

“I was cursed to be like this, don’t you get it?”

Kevin doesn’t. But he wants to so much that it hurts.

“But of course not,” Connor continued. “The outstanding _Elder Price_ couldn’t understand.”

Kevin felt anger rising once again.

_Why can’t he leave things be? Why can’t any of us leave things be?_

Kevin stepped close to Connor in anger, cutting off his rant. Too close. They were face to face, but it was too late to step back now, the poisonous words already on Kevin’s tongue in retaliation. So he spat venom.

“I can’t help you, Connor. Not if you aren’t willing to help yourself. You may talk about _hell fire_ and _God_ and all the things he’s _cursed_ you with, but you won’t even look past those things to see that, _huh,_ he created you that way! All your feelings, all your _thoughts…_ are nothing but your own.”

Connor sneered at Kevin’s words, but his eyes flashed with hurt.

“So stop being a robot for Gods sake, and fucking _feel_ something.” Kevin was breathing heavily by the time he finished ranting. He stared Connor down.

Connors eyes were sharp and lips set in a line. Tears were still in his eyes. The taller Elder stepped forward once more, they were now inches apart.

There were a million things Kevin wanted to say in that moment, a million things he _should_ have said but instead he just shook his head at Connor in disappointment.

 

“Goodnight _Elder._ I’ll see you in hell.”

 

 

With that, he walked away.

 

* * *

 

They didn’t talk. They didn’t fight. When speaking to each other it was civilized and cold. It remained that way, until an unlikely force came careening through their plans. And by that we mean Arnold.  

A few weeks after their midnight encounter, Arnold came bursting through the door, covered in dust and dirt, and panting heavily.

“Guys!” Arnold’s voice boomed. He was jumping up and down. All the Elders looked on questionly.

Arnold grinned excitedly before exclaiming, “I finally beat Kevin!”

To prove his point, not two seconds later, Kevin burst through the door, hair wild and tie misplaced.

“HE PUSHED ME!” 

Arnold burst out laughing. “No no no buddy I think I won, fair and square.”

“You did not! I could have died!” Kevin was now laughing too, along with some of the Elders. 

Elder McKinley sighed, before Arnold exclaimed again, “wait guys! I have a great idea for the book! Well it was technically Nintendo 64s idea but-“

“What is it Arnold?” Elder McKinley questioned. The prophet tended to get side tracked. He didn’t miss however the way Kevin glared at him for speaking to his best friend that way. 

“We should build a church and a school for the village!” 

Now all the Elders were paying attention.

“....what?” Connor broke the silence. 

“Think about it! We can build a proper school for all the kids here, there aren’t that many so it shouldn’t be too difficult and we  preach the book at the church! That way we can educate the little kids and have community work as well!” 

“That’s actually not a bad idea!” Elder PopTarts chimed in, nodding. “It’ll give us something to do too!”

Chatter broke out amongst the missionaries, good as well as bad ideas and suggestions were put into the mix.

Connor actually really liked the idea, he did, but they didn’t have a budget. He was already stressed enough as it is with managing the food money so there’s enough to keep them from starving.

“We don’t have the funds guys.” He has to break the news.

“We have barely enough money as it is, how are going to fund building a church? Much less a school? Besides who would teach at the school? We aren’t teachers.” All the Elders got quiet, Connor felt bad but they just couldn’t do it.

 

“I hate to break it to you _Elder_ but yes we are.” Kevin broke in.

Connor glared at him. _He was never one to listen_ Connor supposed. And besides Kevin knew he hated when he was outspoken.

“We are spending two years of our lives to spread the word about Christ and to _teach_ moral ideals to the Ugandans. Why can’t we teach the children how to add? And isn’t there a teacher in the village too? They can help us on what to do.”

The Elders were still quiet, undecided. Kevin bit his lip in thought.

“Think of the kids guys. I know we might not know what we’re doing, but giving them _something_ is better than nothing at all. We might as well try.” 

Kevin seemed to be swaying the Elders opinions now, and he saw a few of them nodding their heads. Even Connor couldn’t really argue with him at this point. Not that he wanted to.

“Yes Elder Price I see what you mean,” Connor concurred. “But that doesn’t solve the problem of funding.”

There was another silence before PopTarts spoke out again.

“What about the mission president?”

Connor is confused. “What about the mission president?” 

“Well he controls all the funding right? So convince him to fund us again and we’re all set!” Elder Church stepped in, giving light. 

Elder Neeley rolled his eyes. “Yeah! Ok that’s great guys, but not really. Whos going to call him up? Who’s gonna meet with him and then convince him to fund us? He literally excommunicated us guys!”

“I vote Elder Price. I think he should go.”

Kevin pauses. “Why me?” _I don’t think that’s a great idea honestly_

_I’m not very stable around church figures anymore_

Elder Church looks at him. “You are the most convincing person here. You have determination too. And besides I’m sure they are still kissing your ass because of the golden boy aura you gave off. For you, I don’t think it would take much to convince him.”

Kevin doesn’t preen under the praise. He doesn’t okay? He scratches his head awkwardly before saying, “Oh. Um. Well thank you Elder Church. But we still need one more person to go. Any volunteers?”

“...... I’ll go.” Connor spoke up. “I mean I am district leader after all.” He saved the last part for when Kevin shot an odd look of distaste at him. Connor ignored it.

“I uh think we should meet with the villagers to start laying down plans. We can also have weekly meeting sessions so we can discuss progress and things we need to improve. Arnold um, go have Nabulungi send a text to everyone and have them meet right outside the mission hut.” Arnold nodded and sprinted out the door. Then he turned to the rest of the Elders. 

“Hopefully this will work. I’ll set up something for you all to do, and you’ll probably get individual assignments for the process, though I am not really sure how or what you’ll be doing.” He glanced at Kevin quickly before looking away when he caught his eye.

“But first, Elder Price and I have to get funds. We will leave tomorrow morning alright?”

All the boys nodded and continued with their various activities that were interrupted by Arnold, and Connor quietly approached Kevin off to the side.

“We’re probably gonna have to leave early if we want to catch the bus to Kampala.” _God why was this so awkward?_ Connor thought. He shook his head.

“Um. Anyway I’m going to go pack now-“

Kevin grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. Connor turned back around and faced Kevin once more. Huh. They were closer than Connor remembered them being, _and was Kevin always that much taller than him?_  

“What is it Elder?” Connor said, voice remaining, thankfully, steady, not completely embarrassing himself.

Kevin didn’t say anything though. He just looked at the shorter ginger. Connor felt his skin starting  to crawl and ears heating up with the intensity of Kevin’s gaze. _No Connor, Kevin isn’t that much hotter up close, turn it off!_

“...Kevin?” Connor weakly asked. Kevin shook his head however, and let go of Connors arm. Whatever Kevin was about to say died on his lips. Kevin turned away and started off in the opposite direction.

 

_What was that about?_

 

The rest of the day is laying down plans for the church and school. All the villagers and Elders met, pitching in ideas for the project. Elder Davis, who is excellent at calculating, drew up some faint blue prints of what each building could look like, depending on how much funding they get. Everyone will pitch in on this project, and maybe in three or four months, everything could be finished. The Elders have only been in Uganda for about four months now, a month since the “Arnold Incident” and while Africa is quite boring, in fact, nothing like the lion king, this project will fill Kevin’s time, and honestly he couldn’t be happier with the distraction.

It distracts him from how he’s been sleeping more and more everyday, Arnold dragging him out of bed at around noon sometimes. How sometimes he can’t be bothered to shower in the morning or comb his hair, Connor always quick to point out his laziness.

He’s debated on if he should talk to anyone about ...what happened... but he feels no one would understand.

Why would anyone truly listen to Kevin Price?

Arrogant, selfish and stupid. Privileged white boys in the middle of Africa don’t feel depressed. Why would they? The only person he would ever trust to hold this secret would be Arnold or Naba. And even they have been busy with each other lately.

Not that Kevin is jealous of their relationship or anything. No. That would be dumb.

The next morning, Kevin did manage to get up early, having drank an entire pot of coffee to get him up. He hears his name being called. 

“Elder Price.” Connor is standing in the door frame. “Ready?”

Kevin nodded and picks up his small suitcase. They will be gone for around three days, including travel. When they head out to the bus stop, he is already regretting agreeing to this. What would he say? How do you convince the mission president who excommunicated them, to fund them in building a church of the pop culture cult they created? Kevin didn’t know, that much is for sure.

While they waited at the stop, the sun fully came up from the horizon. Light flooded them, and Kevin was sure not to make eye contact with the ginger beside him, although if he snuck a few glances, no one was there to witness him. Kevin definitely didn’t notice how soft and beautiful Connor looked in the morning light. Why would he? And if he noticed Connor doing the same, he definitely didn’t point that out either.

When the bus did arrive, late, they piled on, and awkwardly sat next to each other, squished. The bus wasn’t very big anyway, and just as their luck would have it, Connor was practically in Kevin’s lap. Now they made _sure_ not to make eye contact. Around three hours later, the bus rolled into what would be considered downtown Kampala.

 

Kevin breathed a sigh of relief when he stepped off the bus, and turned to Connor.

“Do you know where the hotel is?”

Connor paused. “Um.. oh! Here let me check….” Connor unzipped his backpack and pulled out a map. “It says here… we are about a mile away from the hotel, and around the same distance from that restaurant we are supposed to meet the mission president in.”

Kevin nodded. They better start walking then.

When they did arrive at the hotel, gross, sweaty and dirty, they both groaned in relief at the flood of air conditioning in the lobby. _Heavenly Father must be real. There is air conditioning here_ Kevin thought humorlessly.

 

“Yes sir, one room, two bed️s please.” Connor talked to the lobbyist. The man, who sat at the counter paused.

“We only have one bed.” Kevin froze that this.

Connor blinked. “No other rooms?”

The man shook his head. “We are booked. Sorry.”

Connor looked at Kevin apologetically. Kevin just shrugged. This is fine. He is good. Kevin grabbed the keys and headed to their room, lugging the suitcases up the stairs, as there is no elevator.

When inside, he stepped further into the small room and set down his suitcase. 

“This is my side.” Kevin said, throwing his body at one side of the bed. He stuck his nose up in defiance.

Connor snorted. “Yeah ok. I call the shower first though.”

Kevin just chuckled as Connor dashed into the bathroom, and started unpacking. This was strange. Connor was strange. But mostly Connor. Kevin couldn’t get him out of his mind. Seriously, it’s becoming weird.

Before, Elder Price wouldn’t have cared what other people think of him. He wouldn’t of given them a thought. But now, riddled with anxiety and depressing thoughts, Kevin cares. He cares a lot. He’s always been _Kevin_ but a _Kevin_ behind a mask. And when that mask was ripped away, he finally saw things how they really where. Reality was a blinding flash of light for him.

Sometimes reality makes him laugh. Sometimes it makes him cry. And sometimes it makes him want to grab the knife from the kitchen counter and cut deeper than any scripture could ever manage.

God why was he like this?

His eyes started to flood with tears at the nasty thoughts invading him, and his hands shook from the guilt.

He thought, not for the first time of Connor words from nights ago:

_what’s the fucking point huh? Sometimes I think about ending it all. How easy would that be?_

Tears streaming down his face now, Kevin knew _exactly_ what Connor had meant. But he couldn’t say it. No. Because then he’s just as cracked and as broken as he thought he may be and Kevin really couldn’t handle that.

The door burst open, making Kevin jump, and start frantically wiping his tears from his eyes.  Connor stepped out, in an oversized t-shirt and boxers. Apparently he abandoned mission garments too. Connor yawned before pausing at Kevin’s expression.

“Kevin? What’s wrong?” His eyebrows creased and his lips formed a frown. He started to approach Kevin.

“Huh? Oh um.” Kevin sniffled. Turn it off right? “Nothing. I’m taking a shower now.”

He rushed past Connor and shut the door to the bathroom. When he was in the shower he finally took a breath of relief. _He could do this. Just be calm._ His muscles relaxed in the warm water, and thankfully so did his mind. 

Once he was done, he stepped out of the bathroom with only a towel around his waist, having forgotten to bring clothing into the bathroom in his rush.

He definitely didn’t notice the way Connors eyes went wide when he saw Kevin shirtless and in a towel. And he definitely didn’t notice the way Connors eyes got dark and looked him up and down before glancing away. And Kevin definitely didn’t blush. Nope.

Eventually they both got into bed, having been stalling on the inevitable. And only then, when they were pressed chest to chest, legs intertwined did Kevin realized that _shit the bed is actually a lot smaller than he thought._ Connor seemed to be having the same thoughts as him, if the squirming gave anything away.

“um Kevin?”

“.... yea?”

“I get hell dreams. Nightly. So I probably will wake you up.” 

“Oh yeah… you mentioned. It’s alright though, I get them too.”

 

“Yeah. You mentioned.”

Kevin swallowed. He doesn’t want to talk about this.

Connor asked, “what do you dream of?”

Kevin stayed silent. He couldn’t say the words.

“Lets play 20 questions.” Kevin suggested smiling. Connor knew Kevin changed the subject but let it slide anyway. Besides when will he get to play 20 questions with Kevin Price again? Never. Not in a bed snuggled up with him that it.

“Ok. What is your favorite animal?”

Connor laughed softly. “I like dolphins.”

Kevin raised his eyebrow. “Dolphins?” 

Connor snorted. “Yes dolphins!”

They made eye contact for a second before Connor looked away, Kevin grinning. _Why are his teeth so perfect?_ Connor thought. 

“Um. Do you have siblings?”

Kevin nodded. “Yes. Two brothers and a sister. I’m the oldest though.”

“Somehow I am not surprised about that.”

Kevin laughed. This was nice he thought.

“My parents never liked me.” This however got Kevin’s attention.

“There was something wrong with me. At least in their eyes.” Connor sighed. “Once they found out about..... my thoughts.” He cleared his throat.

“They sent me away to one of those camps. You know. For gay people.”

Kevin’s eyes widened in shock as he heard the words. He didn’t expect that. Connor had tears in his eyes now, but then shook his head, clearing his mind.

“Ok. Here’s another question.” _But it’s my turn_ Kevin thought.

“Why don’t you believe in God anymore?”

Kevin stayed silent.  “Um. Well. I think we should go to bed yeah?” 

Connor glared at him. “Cmon Kevin it’s only me. And besides I told you about my.... issue.”

Kevin shook his head. “Connor. I don’t want to talk about it. Okay? I - I _can’t_ talk about it.” He looked down, willing his heart to stop beating so fast. _No Kevin now is not the time to get emotional._ Connor was silent beside him.

“Ok.”

Kevin looked up. Connor stared at him in the lamp light. “I won’t make you feel uncomfortable or anything. I may... not completely like you.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “But I don’t hate you. And your right. We should go to bed.”

They flipped over on opposite sides, as always. Connor sighed inwardly, forehead scrunched in thought, his curiosity only fueled by Kevin’s reaction. Kevin on the other hand, his mind was racing, trying to ignore the ugly thoughts consuming his heart.

 

Then Connor reached over and turned off the reading light beside his bed, plunging them both into darkness. 

 

* * *

 

Kevin awoke and immediately groaned quietly when the light hit his eyes. Ow.

He tried to roll over but found he couldn’t, as Connor during the night had molded his body into Kevin’s. His face was now in Kevin’s chest and collarbone and arm around his side. Well then. So much for secrets and hate.

He looked down at the ginger and cringed. Ew... he was drooling into Kevin’s shirt. Kevin scrunched up his nose in distaste and began to sit upwards. Ok time to get up. He tried shifting away from Connor to not wake him but he was either too weak or Connor is way too strong. He flopped his head back into the pillow. And shut his eyes in defeat. Eventually he sort of drifted off  but still was mostly conscious. A little while later, Connor awoke with a start beside him but Kevin didn’t move an inch.

Connor mumbles next to him, stretching. Kevin pretends to wake up now, turning his head to face Connors in the morning light. And _wow_ that was a mistake. Had Connor hair always been that red? And his eyes so blue? Well apparently but Kevin hadn’t taken the time to notice. He could feel the tip of his cheeks heating up at the sight. Eventually he realized that they were both making eye contact with each other for _way_ too long now and he looked away.

Connor got up quickly after that, not looking in Kevin’s direction again. Well then. Kevin huffed, slightly upset although he doesn't really know why. As soon as he stood up from bed, it hit him.

Today they were to meet with the mission president. Oh yeah.

“Connor?” 

Connor glanced sharply at Kevin.

“What do you want Kevin?”

_What did kevin want to say again?_

“Do want breakfast?” Kevin asked sheepishly at Connors tone. Connors eyes softened a bit. He laughed nervously. “Oh. Um. No thank you. I suppose we should just get going.” 

Kevin nodded. “Okay.” And they did

Kevin would just want to say that he has never been more stressed in meeting with someone ever. The two ex missionaries met in a breakfast area to see the mission president, and Connor had to stop Kevin from freaking out many times.

When the meeting was over however, Kevin didn’t feel any less stressed or angry.

He felt even more aggressive, mind whirling with what happened. Connor was grinning next to him however, because he convinced the mission president to get funds for building a school.

But not a church. That upset Kevin. Church had been a part of his life and this one they had created helped him more than any other. But that’s isn't what upset him most.

What upset him was for Kevin to go up to the mission president, state his points and even put his heart out on the line, and for the mission president to look Kevin right in the eye, say “no,” and walk away without a thought had Kevin pissed off. Well if this is what he gets for trying.

Once they got back to the hotel, Kevin starts putting his clothes back into his small suitcase, apparently too forcefully because Connor carefully approached him and rested a hand on his shoulder, trying to console him.

Kevin's heart skipped a beat and he whipped his head around, eyes wild.

Oh. It’s just Connor. Wait, it’s Connor.

“What do you want?” He said icily. The other elder narrowed his beautiful eyes. “Ok. Never mind.” And turned away.

_Well fine then Kevin, I don’t care_

“What is it Connor?” Kevin said. He was done. His head hurt and body ached. He wanted to go home and sleep. Maybe for forever.

Connor glared at him, now annoyed. 

“Why are you so upset? We got what we wanted didn’t we?”

Kevin shrugged and begrudgingly said, “mostly.”

“Mostly? I mean I know we didn’t get the church but we can still preach!”

“Yes I know that! But... I really wanted a church. It’s been my life since I can remember and the things Arnold have been preaching have changed everyone’s life! Especially mine okay so I feel like it’s really unfair-“ 

“Oh so it’s unfair that you can’t have a church for your own needs?”

Kevin blinked at him in shock. “What? That’s not even what I said? Connor are you listening to me?”

He now was fully faced towards the ginger.

“Yes. I _did_ actually hear you Kevin. It’s all about you too isn’t it? It’s about what _Kevin_ wants and what _Kevin_ needs.”

Kevin couldn’t believe what he is hearing. Why can’t they just not fight? He didn’t even do anything wrong this time. But he snaps back anyway.

“Says you. You can’t even go a day without lying to yourself huh?”

Connors eyes flashed. “What are you talking about Kevin?”

Kevin smirked but it wasn’t friendly. He wanted to wound him with words, to cut deep. Maybe he’ll feel how Kevin does then. “You say I’m too aware? Of what? Myself? At least I don’t lie about it. Unlike you, who might I add is the most dishonest person I’ve ever met.”

“I don’t lie Kevin!” Connor sounded mad. 

“Yes you do. But not even to others. No. You go around pretending everything is fine but in reality you are suffering!” Kevin is yelling now, anger surfacing.

Connor takes a step forward towards him.

“You hypocrite!” He spat. “You think I don’t notice how you can’t get up in the morning? Huh?” 

Kevin froze. 

“How you barely eat? Why do you think I’m nagging you all the time? It’s because you can’t function Kevin!”

“Shut up.”

They were closer than before. Connors eyes were seeing straight through him once again.

“No. You can barely comb your hair in the morning, and you go days with just moping around.”

“I said shut up!” Kevin was beyond livid. They were now barely inches apart.

“Make me.” Connor spat, his eyes glowing with rage.

Kevin’s own eyes narrowed. He leaned closer to Connor, too close. Kevin glanced down at the gingers lips, feeling the heat between them. _God what is he doing?_ He felt Connor lean in as well, breath hitching in anticipation. 

 

Then Kevin turned and walked away, like always.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism is appreciated ❤️


	3. Just go bap, really what’s so hard about that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin might have to face some feeling he isn’t quite ready for. Or he could ignore them too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another chapter! Thanks for reading hope you enjoy even if it’s not great!

Well the bus ride was awkward to say the least. They had finished packing the night before in their respective areas, not acknowledging the elephant in the room. You could cut the tension with a knife. They didn’t speak to each other. Didn’t look at each other, at least as best they could. Luckily they were given more space on the bus ride home.

When they got back to the mission house, they delivered news of what the mission president said, continued laying out plans and then went their own ways. Connor drew up a list of different arrangements and budgeting, and Elder Davis had finished the blueprints of what the school could look like while they were away. There are about twenty kids in the village, ages ranging from infant to (almost) adult. That leaves about 10-12 actual kids liable for going to school.

Connor started off by listing things for the Elders to do, it was a scratch list plan, one he made up on the bus ride, but a plan nonetheless.

“Ok you guys. As you know, we have some funds to be able to build a school but not a church..... Unfortunately.” He glanced at Kevin before continuing.

“I drew up a plan of different things that need to get done, but there is always more so things might change. There will be a rotation list once everything is settled down so we aren’t all stuck doing the same thing. But anyway, first, Elder Neeley and Davis will start with running a garden. Just get the ground plowed and start finding a way to water it efficiently. We need food to sell for more money and to even eat if we want to pull this off.”

Connor looked up at the Elders in front of him.

“Elders Shrader and Zelder will work at the clinic, Gotswana needs all the help he can get. Obviously nothing too dramatic, just help around and stuff. You will also help Elder Neeley and Davis plow and clear the land. The garden shouldn’t be too big but the help is always appreciated. Ok. Um… then we have Elder Price and Elder Church, who work on the actual building, that will be your main task, as you two are the strongest here.” 

He definitely didn’t look at Kevin then.

“Arnold will continue spreading the word of.... our religion to the Ugandans. Elder Michaels, PopTarts and I will be laying down funds, helping around the village and will also be keeping this house running. We can also help you with any of your own projects.” He looked at his list to make sure he didn’t miss anything.

“Oh! We will work almost all day, however don’t over work yourself. Heatstroke is a nasty thing. Um I think that’s all I have to say, we begin tomorrow. The villagers will assist at some point too, although they have other issues.” 

He handed all the instructions to the different elders, measurements and that kind of thing for the garden. “Here is the layout for the school.” Kevin nodded and took the paper from Connors hand.

The next morning, Arnold dragged Kevin out of bed and went off to find Naba and the other villagers. Kevin sighed as he was once again left alone. Today was the first day of building. As the blueprints said, they should lay down foundation, usually cement. As it turns out, while Connor and him were away, the other Elders went to the market and found everything they thought might help. Unfortunately, that was not cement. 

_How the fuck do you make cement?_

Kevin didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

Elder Church and him tried as best they could, mixing dirty water with some broken down gravel. Worked well enough. They began building, well, laying down the makeshift mixture as best they could, following the vague directions on how to do everything.

 _Holy shit Connor wasn’t kidding about heat stroke._ Kevin felt sweat rolling down his neck, his face getting burned.

Speaking of Connor, Kevin glances up at the sound of the ginger coming out of the mission hut and talking to Elder Davis out in the garden. His back was turned to Kevin as he was explaining something, pointing at the ground, motioning around.

Kevin felt a surge of.... jealousy? 

How can others manage to talk so normally to him, get so _close_ to him when Kevin has to try so hard to even catch his eye? He glared at the other elders talking until Church put a hand on his shoulder.

“Elder Price?” Church questioned, glancing at Kevin.

“Huh? Oh I mean what’s up Elder?” Kevin quickly looked away.

“It’s just... you stopped working. And I know Elder McKinley is wonderful to look at but could you keep going?” Kevin started, raising his eyebrows at his own transparency.

“What? I was not staring....”

“Yes you were.” Church chucked. “But hey it’s alright! Haven’t you heard? Arnold added a passage into the book about how “ _Gays and lesbians rule, and if you're straight well I guess that’s cool.”_

Kevin now stared at Church incredulously. “He really did that?” _What did he do to deserve Arnold Cunningham?_

Church snorted. “Yes. He did.” Kevin felt tears welling in his eyes, but he wasn’t exactly sure why. From a young age, he always took his.... inclinations with not liking girls as something different. With being on a special path with God. Now knowing that was wrong, he didn’t know what he was feeling. 

“I need to thank him then.” He choked out.

“Yes. I do too.”

Kevin looked up from his work in surprise. “You....”

“Yes. I.. um.”  Church laughed. “I have my eyes on someone,” Kevin definitely was paying attention at this. “....but not who your thinking, don’t worry.”

Kevin felt relief. _Why am I feeling like this?_ He didn’t even _like_ Connor that way.

“Who is it then?”

“Don’t tell anyone but... it’s Chris.”

Kevin laughed in surprise, “PopTarts? Huh.”

Kevin was kind of shocked at how easy Church was able to talk to. Church never said much, always kind of quiet but Kevin does remember him telling his story to Kevin on the first day they met. That was an interesting day, one filled with pink vests and tap dances, but one he figures was necessary in shaping him in a strange way. It was also the day he met Connor. A very different Connor, but Connor nonetheless.  

A couple hours later, the sun bearing down on the pair, the foundation was done. Kevin glanced back at the work they did. Oh. Well. Could be worse. Kevin’s shirt was soaked through with sweat, his hair messy and disheveled. It was only a little after noon, but he already had subconsciously loosened his tie, having to have some way to deal with the heat. He sat down on the dusty Africa ground, finally giving up with his sticky shirt and just taking it off, even though he had no undergarments on. He looked over to the small garden the Elders were shaping with short, rusty shovels, ground now cleared from most plants and dirt. He spied Elder McKinley underneath a tree next to the garden, desperately trying to not get burned. He grinned at the sight.

“Hey, I’m going to get some water, want any?”

Church looked up. “Yeah thanks.” Then he snorted at Kevin’s shirtless chest.

“Oh and Elder McKinley will _love_ what you got going there.” Kevin blushed.

“Um thanks?”

He walked away thinking of Church’s comment. Kevin didn’t have...feelings per say for Connor, no. He couldn’t, not yet. He might want to talk to him like normal people do, instead of this weird _oh we’re friends now but not tomorrow_ bullshit that’s been happening. So what if he _maybe_ just wants to push him against the wall and kiss him to make him shut the hell up for once? That’s a different issue altogether.

He walks past the garden. He doesn’t glance at Connor, on purpose of course, and yet he is perfectly aware of Connors searing gaze as he passes by. He feels something stirring in his gut, the attention feeding his ego. So what if he runs his hands through his hair and smiles extra wide and acknowledges   anyone _but_ Connor?

Once inside the hut, however, Kevin smirked to himself, confidence fueling his movements. He doesn’t know why he’s so pleased, but _hell_ he sure is.

Connor is _always_ on his fucking mind; what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, where he’s going and it frustrates him to no end. But this little game he’s playing now, is a nice change of pace, one he most definitely likes. Kind of flipping the tables a little bit. Kevin doesn’t understand _what_ he feels for this boy but it’s confusing and messy. 

He gets the water, not before taking a few moments to savor the cooler air from inside the hut, and then travels back to Church, who is now sitting down in the ground, shielding his face with his hands. They are all going to have skin cancer by the time they are finished. He feels Connors eyes following him the entire way back, making the tingly sensation in his gut appear once more and skin itch. He noticed Church is laughing at his antics, and Kevin is starting to too. 

“Oh my _god_ I could see the shock in his face all the way over here!” Church grabs the water and chugs it down. “He is totally smitten with you, but doesn’t want to admit it. It’s kind of obvious.”

Kevin’s heart clenches. “He doesn’t even know me though. All we do it fight. And I don’t even think I feel that way for him. Not yet.”

Church hums in thought. “Well. I think you should become friends first. Know each other, and then figure out your feelings.” Kevin looks over at him, surprised at the other Elders honestly.

“It might be hard to get close to him, but I suppose all you can do is try. And hey. Everything will be alright as long as you believe it will.”

“That was strangely insightful, even for you.”

Church laughed. “Well.”

Kevin paused. “What’s your name?”

Church blinked at him. “Um. Kevin. You know my name?”

Kevin shook his head. “No. Your first name.”

Churches mouth took on an ‘o’ shape in realization. “Um. It’s James. Nice to meet you, I suppose.”

“Well. It’s nice to meet you too James.” Kevin felt pride in getting closer to someone.  _See? This is how normal people talk Kevin. No fighting, no awkwardness, no attacking words. Just talk._

Now he needs to figure out how to do the same with Connor.

 

Kevin was up again past curfew. Well, he guesses he never really fell asleep. After the hell dream he had a couple nights ago, he hasn’t been able to sleep well. It’s not even the dreams that keep him up, It’s the fear of them.

Tonight the moon is bright, shining in through curtains, giving Kevin natural lighting. He’s in the kitchen, quietly brewing a cup of coffee and waiting for time to pass. The caffeine helps him surprisingly, calming him and helping his tired eyes open again. The kitchen, at least part of it, is bathed in white light from the moon. Out of the corner of his eye, utensils reflect sharp light. As he turns around to examine it, he realizes they are knives. A sticky feeling emerged from his gut and creeps out from within. He feels vaguely nauseous, mind flashing with some not so pleasant reminders.

His wrists burn. 

Suddenly he heard a creek outside the front door. Kevin’s body jumped, snapping out of the gaze he was under, fingers clenching his lower wrist subconsciously. He faced the frail front door. _Is there an intruder?_ Kevin cautiously approached the frame and peeked through the small window in the center of the door. A shadowy figure was standing outside. The brunettes heart was beating fast now, and in a bound of courage he opened the door.

The figure turned around, jumping.

“Kevin?” It was Connor. He sounded breathless from surprise. Kevin’s lungs deflated, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Connor? What are you doing?” He approached Connor on their small porch.

“I couldn’t sleep. Needed air.”

“Ah… Same here.”  He thought of the kitchen. Then Kevin looked at Connor once more in the faint moonlight and forgot all about his current thoughts. _Why did he always seem to glow?_ Connor smiles sadly at him comment, before turning back to facing outwards. It was surprisingly cool outside tonight, and Kevin could hear the calming buzz of insects all around them. Kevin walked up next to the ginger, leaning on the fragile railing. They were close. Very close. 

“... look Connor... about our last conversation at the hotel..”

Connor shook his head. “No. Can we not talk about it? I’m too tired to fight.”

Kevin was silent. Then, “okay.”  He rememberers Connors words, allowing him the space he needs. He could do the same for him.

“I don’t completely like you,” Kevin stated. Connor looked up at the repeat of his own words.

“But I don’t hate you. And I won’t make you feel uncomfortable.” He glances at Connors face, and saw a faint smile in the dim light. Kevin felt his heart flutter a bit. Strange.

Connor broke the silence this time. “Do you have anymore coffee?”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Coffee? You? Connor McKinley wanting coffee? I am shocked district leader.”

Connor snorted at the others jest, and Kevin nudged his shoulder with the ginger.

“Something to keep me up I suppose.”

Kevin pursed his lips. “I can make you some.”

Connor glances up. “That’d be nice. Thank you.” He was sincere. The most sincere Kevin has heard him in a long time.

“Of course. Anytime.”

They both went back inside the hut, Kevin just a tad bit more confused on _what the hell_ is he feeling?

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning he hears his voice being called. 

“Elder Price can I see you in my office?” Elder McKinley questioned.

Kevin looked up at the pale district leader. They were right outside the foundation of the school Kevin and James set up just a couple days ago. Now they will start building up, using wood and brick as a sturdy structure.

Kevin followed Connor inside, relief flooding through him at the cooler air. Though, once the door was shut, the relief dissipated quickly at Connors expression. Kevin sat down across from the district leader and stared at him blankly.

“Your performance is down lately Elder Price.”

_….what_

Kevin squinted at the ginger for longer than necessary. “...... I’m sorry I just hallucinated. My performance is _what_? What does that even mean?”

Connors brow twitches at Kevin’s sarcastic response. “I said. Your performance is down. You’ve been slacking.”

Kevin stood up. He doesn’t have time for this.

“Elder Price where do you think your going?”

_I thought we were on a first name basis? What did I do wrong? We just had a good conversation last night? I can’t handle this._

“Out. I don’t have time for your nagging.  And what do you even mean by my performance is down? I work just as hard as everyone!”

Connor glared at him.

“We both know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

Kevin shook his head in exasperation.

“You don’t get to do that _Elder._ Idon’t have to answer to you. And besides don’t you have somewhere to be, something to do? You don’t get to tell me to turn it off then bring up my issues constantly. You tell me not to make my problems the loudest in the room and yet that’s all you seem to hear. Goodbye McKinley, I don’t have time for your bullshit.”

Connor stood up behind his desk.

“Elder you don’t get to walk out on me!”

“Go fuck yourself!” Kevin shouted back, giving Connor the finger. 

 

“I can’t understand him. You can’t say I haven’t tried because my _god_ I have. He is so on and off. Hot and cold. There and not, supportive one moment and then attacking the next. Why does he have to bring up all my shit and then not address his own? God I just.... I need his attention but I don’t know _why!_ I need to make him _see_ me, but then I find him annoying when he does? I’m so confused Naba.”

She snorted sarcastically. “I’ve never heard so many mood swings inside of a ranting before.” 

“Naba this is serious!”

Naba giggles. “I know. But Kevin you need to talk to him. _Properly_ . Without yelling or anything. Tell him your inner thoughts, what your feeling, that’s how you get close to someone. That’s how Arnold and I bonded. Well ... that and Star Wars. But. Tell him what happened to you, what your going through. _I_ don’t even know and I can tell it tearing you up inside.”

His heart cracked a little more at her words, thumping in his chest at the mention of what happened, and wrists burning a little deeper at all the reminders.

_God how he wanted to tell her, to just scream at the high heavens about what happened to him, to maybe make God finally pay for what he did to him, or rather didn’t do. But no. He didn’t. He didn’t have the words._

“ _Yes_.” He whispered instead. “Yes it is.” He turned his head towards Naba, tears in his eyes.

“I have nightmares _so_ much, and I can’t go out alone because of him. I don’t like to be touched and I can’t handle anyone sneaking up on me because I basically have a panic attack and _oh my gosh_ Naba I am scared almost all the time.”

Nabas eyebrows went up. “That’s the most I’ve heard you talk about it and even I don’t know what your talking about.... “ 

Then her eyes sharpened. “Wait….. _Him_?”

Kevin nodded. His lip trembled, tears threatening to fall.

“Is this why you lost your faith Kevin?”

Those words caused Kevin’s water works to finally turn on, the words he couldn’t say released when he hiccuped into his elbow, face turned away from Naba so she couldn’t see how _pathetic_ he was. His face burned with shame, tears making a hot trail down his face as he scrunched up his forehead to try to control his sobs, but found he couldn’t breath quite properly and _why can’t he move?_ His body was frozen, trembling as he started to panic.

Naba’s eyes widened as her friend completely froze up.

“N- Naba I cant _breath.”_ She immediately stood up and shoved Kevin’s head in between his shaking legs.

“Cmon white boy, yes you can. You’ve done it a million times before, you can. You’re gonna be alright don’t you worry. Just breath.”

And Kevin did, focusing on Naba’s fingers holding his head in place, and counting to ten in his mind. When Kevin’s breaths did return to normal she let go and he sat up. His eyes were red and skin blotchy from crying, hands crying. 

“I’m so sorry Naba I just-“

“Shush. No need for that white boy, but you do need to talk to him. If not him, _someone._ It’s been what, three months now and you are still fighting? And maybe he can help you.” She tried for a small smile at him. Kevin nodded morosely. _He was so tired._ The school is almost finished now, and the garden is well underway. They’ve been here long enough that Kevin is starting to annoy everyone with his attitude and ego. Soon enough Kevin is gonna have to figure out his bullshit before someone else does it for him.

“Thank you Naba.” He gave a small smile. “For everything.” She hushed him.

“Anytime. Now go, talk to him or Arnold or someone. And come find me again if you ever need to okay? Oh ... and Kevin?”

He turned around to Naba.

“I believe in you.”

Kevin felt tears coming on again, but they weren't tears of sadness. No one has said that in a long, long time and it made him remember when his mom used to say it.

_“Hey mama! Look! Mrs. Brown gave me stickers today!” Kevin came racing down from school, leaping into his Mom’s arms._

_“Oh? Well what are those for?”_

_Kevin grinned. “Because I was a good boy today! She even let me show off my painting to the class. She said mine was very good.”_

_His mom smiled at her son._

_“Well Kevin dear, as long as you believe in yourself and Heavenly Father, nothing can stop you. And I believe in you too.” Kevins heart warmer as he hugged his mom before running off. As long as his mom believed in him, and he believed in Heavenly Father, then everything will be alright._

Kevin shook his head violently, desperately trying not to remember his mom. Kevin can’t think of her now, no. Not when he’s been cracked like this. Not when he isn’t a good mormon, earning stickers or stars or being a good boy, a good son.

But…. when Naba says it, he can almost believe the words are true.

With that, his heart hurt a little less and he went down to maybe mend it further.

 

“Arnold.”

“Yeah buddy what’s up?” Arnold was jumping on Kevin’s bed and getting dirt all over it. The proclaimed prophet spends most of his time in the village with all Ugandans. He likes helping them Kevin supposed. While that is all great and good, what is not great and good is that Arnold is in Kevin’s bed, getting it dirty. Kevin sighed. It’s fine. He’s fine. Were all fine.

“Can I talk to you bud?” Arnold stopped jumping.

“Yeah bestie of course!”

Kevin swallowed around the nerves flooding his body. He feels kind of sick. He takes a breath.

“Arnold I think I’m gay.” _Oh my god I said it. I really just went there holy shit..._

Arnold stops moving and looks at Kevin.

“Really? That’s so cool! When did you know? Do you like someone? Have you told anyone else? Is there-“

Immediately Kevin felt relief at Arnolds questions but then cut him off.

“Well I think since I was a kid, I suppose. But I never really thought about it until now. Um. A lot of girls liked me but I never liked them. I took that being in the right path with God, as dumb as that sounds. But I haven’t noticed anything until… now.”

Arnold’s eyes widened. “Wait so is there someone?!”

Kevin flinched. Arnold was a great friend he really was, it’s just he had a _very_ loud voice and Kevin has a secret he _really_ didn’t want shouted.

“Oh my gosh Arnold keep your voice down!”

Kevin panicked. “And yes there may be someone. _Maybe_. I don’t really know myself, that’s why I’m telling you this!”

“Oooo oh my gosh Kevin’s got a crush!!” Arnold yelped. He started bouncing around again on the bed, and Kevin face palmed.

“Arnold stop yelling! I don’t want anyone else to know this okay?”

“Oops sorry best friend!” Arnold giggled. Kevin rolled his eyes but who can really stay mad at Arnold Cunningham?

“Who is it?”

Kevin was about to answer when a knock on their door sounded. Arnold got up.

“Oh hey Elder McKinley! Fancy seeing you here haha!” Arnold’s high pitched laugh sounded. Connor chuckled at the prophets endearing nature. Kevin did not. Of _course_ it had to be him. Who else would appear right at this moment?

“Oh Elder Price! Um. We need your help in the village, someone’s something or other.” Connor awkwardly looked at him. Kevin internally screamed.

“Ok I guess.” He turned to Arnold. “See you later pal.”

“Bye best friend! Have fun!”

Arnold winked at him as Kevin was dragged away by Connor.

 _Well I’m glad I got that off my chest._ And he was. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, the only issue? There were at least five more things pushing him down, and he didn’t know how to handle it. It’s becoming so very obvious Connor and him need to talk, he just doesn’t know how.

 

Maybe they can talk while in the village? What could go wrong there?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is always needed ❤️


	4. When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin encounters something that brings back bad memories. Will he break? Or will a certain someone be there for him at his lowest point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s another chapter! I feel more confident about this one, so that’s always good! Thanks for reading.

As they walked in the village, sun bearing down on them, they greeted others they passed by. Kevin was surprised that it wasn’t completely awkward between him and Connor, given their last conversation. Connor was speaking, and Kevin was more than happy to listen, as he preferred it over a cold shoulder. _That was something he always hated, especially when his parents did it._ Thankfully Connor was more of a conversationalist than his parents.

“.... I think Kimbay needed  help moving some things and since you are the ... well _physically_ strongest of all the Elders I think you could help us.”

Kevin smirked. “Ah so you noticed my great physicality hmm?”

He wiggles his eyebrows at Connor, enjoying teasing him. Connor glared back at the jest, Kevin would take it seriously if not for the blush on Connors cheeks. He doesn’t really get how they can be _such_ good friends one moment, and then at each other’s throats the next. It’s quite confusing; it makes Kevin’s brain whirl louder and heart beat faster, as he tries to sort out what exactly he feels. And if Kevin notices his ears warming as their hands brushed together, he didn’t say anything. They were almost to the center of the village, resembling a square area. Kevin was still grinning as he looked ahead.

But then he saw something that wasn’t funny or nice at all. The General was standing about 20 feet away, taking to some villagers, and more importantly in Kevin’s mind, Kimbay, who they had to meet with. While Kevin supposed he isn’t technically a threat anymore, as he was baptized into the Church of Arnold and renamed Elder B, those little details didn’t help Kevin now, and definitely didn’t help him ignore the memories, or the pain, or the fact that this _fucking_ man broke his mind, spirit and beliefs. He stopped walking, and Connor almost ran into him.

“Kevin? Kevin what’s wrong?”

Kevin couldn’t answer. His breathing became more shallow and his heart rate sped up, but he remained frozen, inside and out, praying to God, Zeus, to whoever is up there to _get him out._

 _Too late,_ Kevin’s brain said. It was useless to pray to God. God didn’t help him then, and he sure won’t help him now.

“Elder Price!”

Connors harsh tone and the familiar title snapped Kevin out of his haze. He turned to Connor.

“We need to get out of here.” Kevin clenched his fists into a tight ball to stop them from shaking.

Connor looked confused.

“Why? What’s going on?”

Kevin paid him no mind and turned around. He was about to walk away when the voice from his nightmares spoke behind him, stopping his racing heart and deactivating any thoughts other than _I need to leave._

“Ah! Elders! So very nice to see you.” Elder B spoke.

Kevin turned around at the mention of them involuntarily, but knew it was a mistake as soon as he did.

The now proclaimed Elder looked exactly the same as when he was a General, less cruel of course but the same face.

Kevin latched onto Connors arm. He was shaking now, no matter how hard he tried not to. Even he realized he probably looked hysterical, but if he even _tries_ to meet the others eye he is going to have two fucking panic attack’s in the same _fucking day oh my gosh._  

“And Elder Price! How very..... nice ... to see you again! How is your... well.”

Kevin felt like he was going to vomit. He tucked his head into his shoulder, head facing the ground in shame. He gripped Connors arm tighter, and tried to concentrate on anything but the man in front of him.

_Please! He remembers shouting. God please don’t let this happen to me!_

He remembers them laughing. He remembers the pain. And he remembers the numbing sensation of being truly, and utterly alone.

“Ah yes Elder B! Um, nice to see you again.” Connor saved, looking at Kevin questionly.

“What brings you here?”

“Ah well, I just wanted to thank you white boys for doing all of this! Prophet Cunningham has shown me the way of God! I can never thank him enough for showing me a different path. And of course Elder Price was of great help too.”

Kevin’s vision starts going fuzzy at the thought of it.  

“I’m sure Elder Price was glad to be of help.”

_Holy fuck Connor shut up right now_

“Oh indeed he was.... very helpful. Well anyway! Thanks again!” The former General stuck out his hand which Connor shook. He did the same for Kevin but Kevin started tripping, backing away.

“D- don’t touch me! _Don’t touch me._ ” He choked out, gasping. He was aware that he looked crazy but he didn’t care. All he needed was for the General to get out of his face and maybe this entire country or he-

Connor stepped in. “Well best be on our way. See you around Elder B.”

Connor started leading Kevin back, but then stopped once the old warlord said something. 

“Yes Elder very well. Also, tell your friend if he’s up for a round two, to come and find me.”

Kevin’s spine flooded with ice and he froze, feeling Connor do the same beside him. Connors face went pale and eyes wide as he processed the words cutting through the air.

Kevin was going to pass out if he didn’t get away. “ _I - I can’t breath Connor you have to get me out of here._ ” He hissed at Connor breathlessly.

Connor nodded sullenly and led him quickly away to the outskirts of the village before setting him down on the ground and standing next to him. Kevin was gasping for air, shaking. He had tears in his eyes and his cheeks burned with shame from what Connor had to witness. _He is so pathetic, so stupid, why can’t he just be normal?_ This encounter broke Kevin a little further, and it was pretty obvious to anyone with two brain cells. Unfortunately, Connor has more than two brain cells.

“Kevin.” Kevin didn’t look up. He couldn’t. 

“ _What in Heavenly Father's name was that.”_  

Kevin shook his head, coughing and trying to wipe away tears now streaming down his face, burning him with every salty drop. He couldn’t let Connor know.

“Kevin. _Please_. He said ‘ _up for round two_ ’ what the fuck does that even mean? What happened? Kevin please answer me!”

Kevin sobbed, a choked sound escaping from his throat, wheezing as he breathlessly said,

“I- I can’t Connor, I can’t. H-  he did something to me. I’m broken now. I can’t  eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. _He broke me oh my god he broke me-“_

“No, no!” Connor said interrupting him. He slowly knelt down to where Kevin was sprawled. “Oh Kevin _no_ …. You’re not broken. Not at all. Just a little cracked around the edges. “C’mon lets get you inside the hut, it’ll make you feel better.”

At this point Kevin highly doubted anything could make him feel better, much less _heal_ him, but he allowed Connor to help him inside anyway.

As they returned to the hut, thankfully everyone was out doing their various activities. Kevin sat on his bed and Connor sat next to him. Kevin refused to look at him, hiccups involuntarily escaping his lungs. His shoulders shook and his wrists burned. _God he is so tired_.

“You know,” Connor began. “When I... when I liked that boy Steve. I felt lost. _So completely lost_. There was no guide book on this thing right? So I had to manage. Turn off my feelings, find some way to cope. Turns out though, you can only turn it off for so long before you bust. Before you shatter. That’s what happened to me. I cracked. Now I’m just waiting for someone to put me back together again.”

He glanced at Kevin who was now staring at him in shock, red rimmed eyes peering curiously at the ginger.

 

“I.....” Kevin began. 

“Shhh. Take your time.” Connor chided gently.

Kevin nodded, sniffling before opening up.

“Well. You know how I was when I got here. Hell I was aware of it too, that’s how bad it was. And don’t look at me like that, you _know_ I was. I was mean, selfish and arrogant. I was also confused. I think..... I think I’ve been _cracked_ for a while now. The first strike, for me at least, was getting sent here as stupid as it sounds,” Kevin chuckled weakly. “That was kind of the first sign that Heavenly Father didn’t always care, or answer your prayers.” Kevin sniffled again. 

“The second, I suppose was that day I saw that guy get shot. I mean I’ve always been sheltered but seeing it, feeling it, _living_ it was beyond shocking.” Kevin stated. “I uh. I left, you know that. I left and I had a hell dream. Believe it or not, you were there. Um, that's a different story.... but so basically I ended up staying. I’m not sure what I would be like if I had left though. Probably less damaged but more of an asshole.” Connor giggled softly at that.

“But then, I guess the third strike was when you all abandoned me for Arnold.”

Connor was about to protest, opening is mouth in opposition before being cut off.

“Just. Just listen to me, alright? I’m not blaming you.”

Connor nodded.

“After you all ran off, I... I still thought I could do something incredible, as dumb as it sounds.”

“It’s not dumb Kevin.” 

“But what I did was.” Kevin’s eyes filled with tears. “ _So, so dumb_. I mean I can’t even begin to describe how dumb it was. It was that day, you know, when you said _“no one can convert a crazy warlord! That would take something incredible!”_  

Connors eyes widened in remembrance. Then his face pales. “Kevin… you didn’t…”

Kevin laughed humorlessly, all wet and gross from crying.

“Yep. I walked off, _right_ into his camp. Just.. right into it.” Kevin’s forehead scrunched up in anger at his own actions.  

“I uh thought I could convert him. I really did and um. I- I basically sang him a song and told him to just believe. So. Obviously that didn’t work, but he didn’t just shoot me, or beat me up or something like that no, he basically grabbed my Book of Mormon. Um, and he, he-“

_He couldn’t get the goddamn words out_

“Shhh it’s alright Kevin it’s alright.” Connor comforted him. Kevin wiped his eyes.

“He grabbed my Book of Mormon, and I remember the guards approaching me at his order. Now I’m not sure how to say this but. He pulled down. My pants. I remember fighting their hands, to get t- them _away_ from me, but I couldn’t.”

Connors face was now in shock at his words. Kevin continues. “ I remember the shame of being forced to… do this. _God_ it was the most humiliating experience. And I remember calling to God for help, for guidance but…. nothing. He wasn’t there. _No one was.”_

Kevin was desperately trying not to look in Connors direction as he said the next words. 

“He- he shoved the um. The book. Up there.

And I remember the pain. It burned _all_ over. Almost like hell fire but _so_ much worse. So much worse. And I remember them _laughing_ as I laid there, literally and metaphorically, dying.” 

The brunette was sobbing at this point, unable to do anything else as all his deepest fears, insecurities and secrets were dragged out of that black hole in his chest to _finally_ see the light of day. And it wasn’t pretty.

“And he basically told me to come back if I wanted more. A- and I - I had to crawl all the way back to Gotswanas. It took me _hours_ and the whole time I was screaming. Praying. Cursing God for- for turning his back on me when- when I needed him most.”

Connor was crying now. Kevin felt even worse. 

“Gotswana took the - well you know out, and I thought, nothing could hurt more than having it shoved in but I was so _wrong_. He even took XRays. He he fucking gave them to me! Like a motherfucking _keepsake_! And the funny part is I still have them. I was hurting so, _so_ much by then that I was numb, so I just took them, and headed back.”

Kevin paused, scrunching up his brow in memory, and lowered his voice to a whisper. “There was nothing left inside me. All my beliefs, all of what made me, _me_ , was gone. So, I drowned myself in coffee and sin, trying to feel something. _Anything_. And so yeah. I can’t get out of bed some mornings, and sometimes I can’t eat, and sometimes,” Kevin looked Connor in the eye. “I _grab_ the knife from the kitchen counter and cut deeper than any scripture ever could. Than any of my beliefs ever could. Than that _General_ ever could.”

Kevin turns over his left wrist, and shows the angry red scars. Connor gasps in shock, tears falling off his face.

“Kevin…..” he whispered. “C- Can touch them?” Connor asks, the scratches shocking words out of his mouth.

Kevin paused. “..I guess, yeah.”

With the most delicate fingers Kevin’s ever felt, Connor puts his fingers on his wrist. He traces the scars, gently and carefully, almost as if trying to heal the angry red marks. Kevin stared at the ginger. Connor looks up at Kevin’s gaze. They hold eye contact, but to them, it goes unnoticed, all caught up in the moment of each other. Suddenly, Connor throws his arms around Kevin in a hug, and even though Kevin is bigger, he feels small in Connor’s arms. Both boys are crying, but now they have each other.

“Shhh everything will be alright Kev, okay? we will get you through this. I promise you aren’t alone.”

Kevin nodded into Connors shoulder. He feels... safe. And protected. Something he hadn't felt in a very long time. And just like that, Kevin cracked heart started being a little less broken.

 

* * *

 

Their fighting stopped.

They weren’t exactly _friends_ per say, but they sure as hell didn’t fight like they used to. In fact, they both stopped whenever there was a disagreement between them, and usually manage to talk it out. Connor is nicer to Kevin, but Kevin doesn’t think it’s false.

Kevin was so thankful that Connor didn’t bring up the talk they had, but instead showed support in different ways. Like spending extra time with Kevin when he was feeling down, or cooking his favorite breakfast. And if that’s not progress, he doesn’t know what is. Kevin made sure to do the same with Connor, but opportunity hasn’t risen yet.

The tension in the mission hut decreased dramatically now that the Elders knew no one would die, or they themselves would be caught in crossfire.  

They were in the kitchen area, Kevin and Connor sitting at the small rickety table.

“Ok so we need balloons, a birthday desert and presents. Easy piece of fucking cake right? Not like we’re in _Africa_ after all.”

Connor mumbled to himself as he and Kevin were deciding on what the necessities of a birthday was. It was PopTarts birthday, he was turning 20, as were they all.

“Hey Connor?”

“Yes Kevin?”

“What do you think about alcohol at the party?”

Connors eyes went wide. The have never had alcohol before, seeing as they are, or were, good mormon boys. “Oh! Hm.. I guess we could ask the others? See their input. I know the Ugandans will definitely be drinking though.”

Kevin laughed. Yes they would be.

“Hey Elders!”

The other missionaries, who were lounging around, looked up.

“What do you think of alcohol at PopTarts birthday party?”

Silence. “Do you want to take a vote?....” Connor suggests weakly.

“Ok so all in favor of alcohol at this party?”

After a pause of around five seconds, almost every Elder raised their hands.

Kevin smirked. “Lovely.”

 

 

At said party about a week later, everyone is having the time of their life. It was actually a really well planned event. There was enough food to go around for everyone, especially deserts. The villagers brought in a crackly speaker to play music so everyone was dancing. Kevin never felt so great in his life (and totally not from him being wasted already). It was nighttime, but thankfully the moon was bright, so there really wasn’t need for a whole bunch of lighting.

Connor, however, is the only one who isn’t drinking, saying something about “looking after his boys” or whatever. Kevin doesn’t care. He’s going around, carefree, flirting and having fun! Kevin can’t remember the last time he had fun. Probably because he was drunk. 

“Connooooorrr” He slurred, sliding up into Connors space. “Why aren’t you dancing?” 

Connor chuckled. “Because Kevin, I’m not an idiot like you.”

Kevin mock gasped, clutching his chest. “Oh you wound me!”

Arnold, who is in proximity to them, dancing with Naba, shouts, “Good! Wound him more!”

Kevin pouts. “Everyone is so mean to me. Why is everyone so mean to me?”

“I don’t know Kev. I don’t know.” Connor rolled his eyes. Kevin then gasps for real, stepping towards Connor. “Hey! Come dance with me! Please?”

He sticks his lip out in a pout, gives him the puppy dog eyes. He sighs before giving in. He can’t resist Kevin anyway.

“Ugh fine Kev. But only for a little bit.”

“Yes!” Kevin grinned victoriously, and before Connor knows it, he’s up out of his seat and on the dance floor. Connors cheeks are aflame when he felt Kevin drawing him closer, and if anyone were to ask, he’d blame it on the alcohol.

Kevin is comically bad at dancing, at least when he’s drunk, and it would be hilarious if it wasn’t so cute. No never mind it’s still hilarious. Connor grins a little before Kevin spins him, a little too fast might he add but endearing nonetheless.

Kevin trips as he tries to turn too fast, and Connor places a hand on his chest to help balance him and oh my god it’s hard there _what the fuck_. He knew Kevin was strong, in fact he was _perfectly_ aware of it, the day they were working and kevin walked by without a shirt but damn. Now he’s up close and Connor really wishes he was better at turning it off.

“Connooor...” Kevin slurred again.

“Whaaaat.” Connor mocks him teasingly.

“Let’s go.” Kevin suggests.

“Um. Go whe-“

before Connor could finish his sentence, Kevin was pulling him along into the night. They stumbled across a river and a bank after a while of tripping in the dark and sat down. The river was very calming, a nice change from the party. Connor looked up at the sky. “The stars are pretty tonight.”

Kevin glanced over at Connor, who sat next to him. “...yeah. They are.”

Connor snapped his eyes to meet Kevin’s, feeling his blush grow. Connor’s heart is going wild, thundering in his ear, he is sure Kevin could hear it.

Kevin grinned at him, _okay they were definitely closer than before_. “You have the prettiest eyes. They are like diamonds. But also ice. They kind of change.” 

Connor blushed fiercely. Kevin probably doesn’t even know what he’s saying. Connor has always been… _attracted_ to Kevin, but it was more a physical connection. Now that he knows Kevin .... it’s a bit more than he bargained for.

“Thank you Kevin. And your drunk.”

“Hey no I’m not!”

Connor giggled and sighed. “Yes, yes you are. But say that again when you're sober and I might believe it.”

“A drunk mouth says things the sober mind won’t.” Kevin counters.

Connor laid back all the way now, staring up at the stars. Kevin followed suit and for just a little while, their fears melted away and they laid side by side, soul by soul and heart by heart. Their hands touched, and he felt Kevin link his pinky finger with Connors own. Connors heart skipped a beat, and his smile started to grow.

Kevin, because he was drunk, closed his eyes after a little while. He wasn’t asleep though. No, just resting his eyes for a little.

Connor thought he was asleep. He  glanced over at Kevin, his abnormally handsome face, which looked even better relaxed and unworried. Kevin... was complex for a lack of better words. He is a man so sad, and yet so _loving_. A man so egotistical and yet so giving. Connor always thought he could read people well, and even though Kevin wears his heart on his sleeve, there is still _so_ much Connor doesn’t get. Doesn’t know. But he wants to.

For some reason he starts tearing up, so many emotions, so many _crazy_ emotions flooding his senses for this boy.

“Do you think I could make you happy Kevin?” He chokes out. He doesn’t even know what his mind is thinking. He’s speaking from the heart now.

“Because you make me happy. _Really_ fucking happy. Even if I don’t show it, even if I’m mad, or being a moody bitch, you still are the _brightest_ thing in my life. I just wish I could figure out why.”

Connor turned his face upwards, towards the millions of stars glittering in the black sky. He holds Kevin’s pinky finger tighter, almost in a promise. If he had turned his face to Kevin again, he would see him smiling, and that he is still very much, awake.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning Kevin thought he was in hell. _Oh my god, I’m dead. I’m in hell._

“Good morning best friend!”

 _No. Not in hell. Just in Uganda_. Kevin groaned in anguish, Arnold’s peppy voice and the sun not compensating well with his hangover.

He definitely drank more than he should but doesn’t regret it.

“Arnold..... I’m sleeping. Go away.”

“Nope, no can do buddy!” Why is he so chipper?

“You gotta help Elder McKinley get kids to school! Let’s go!” Oh right. It was their turn in the rotation for teaching and managing the kids. Kevin is stuck doing that a lot it seems, as he is the one with the most siblings. Not that he minds, but today kids are not a great combination with his headache. Slowly he rolls out of bed and heads to the kitchen. Connor is already there, along with a few of the Elders who woke up later. It’s apparent that Kevin isn’t the only one who drank too much. Connor smirks at him when he stumbles into a chair, and gives him toast. _Smart bastard_ , Kevin thinks. _He’s the only one who didn’t drink._

 

After stalling as long as possible, Connor finally grabs his hand and tugs him along the dirt path towards the now complete school. They had recently just finished it

They’ve been in Uganda for almost seven months, now they need to actually start teaching.

All of these months, Kevin’s been learning Swahili from Naba and a few other villagers. Not that he shows off about it to the other Elders or anything, of course not. But when teaching a bunch of kids how to multiply, it definitely comes in handy.

“Keywin!” One of the little girls cries out when he reaches the school. The kids are gathered there, waiting to be let in.

Kevin chuckles. “Hello Kaikara…” Kaikara is around seven, one of the youngest children that will go to school here. Kevin says he doesn’t have favorites when it comes to the kids, but it’s pretty obvious he does. He picks Kaikara up, and helps the other kids along into the classroom. The Elders decided, teaching with someone else is easier and a lot less stressful, so Connor and Kevin both will be teaching.

“Okay so ... today we are going to be learning…” Kevin started off, as Connor was not always as confident as he was. As Connor watched Kevin speak, he started to smile. A warm feeling spread out in his chest and he tucked his chin a bit to hide his grin. He knew Kevin was good with kids but seeing him with them is so adorable. He’s charismatic, charming and surprisingly gentle. When the lesson was over, and the kids had a bit of free time, he started to approach Kevin, but a little boy named Adroa tugged on his arm. He glanced down, not sure how to handle this.

“Um. Yes Adroa?” He questioned.

“Akiki stole my pencil!” The little boy shouted, obviously upset.

Connor blinked. “Oh. Well have you asked for it back!”

“Yes! He said no!”

Okay then… “Do you want me to talk to him?”

Adroa nodded, so Connor went and found Akiki.

“Akiki, can you give Adroa his pencil back?”

Akiki shook his head, turning away from Connor.

“Please?”

“No! I won’t do it! I won’t!” Akiki started to shout, and that apparently set off Adroa because he started to cry. _Oh fuck me_ Connor thought. Before it could get out of hand however, Kevin came over. He crouched down to Akikis and Adoras height, and started to comfort them.

“Hey… what’s going on over here? Akiki did you take something?”

Akiki shook his head no.

“Adroa, what’s making you upset? Can you tell Akiki?”

Adroa looked at Kevin and then at Akiki. “You took my favorite pencil. It was mine!”

Akiki glared at him.

“What’s making you upset Akiki? Can you tell Adroa?” Kevin questioned.

“I didn’t have a pencil.”

Kevin paused. “Well why don’t I get you one? You can pick one out too, as long as you give Adroa back his own pencil.” Akiki slowly put out his arm and dropped the pencil in Adroa’s hand, who then stopped crying. Then Kevin took Akiki’s hand and led him to the counter where the  supply was.

Connor blinked in shock. Well okay then. He followed Kevin to the kitchen counter, who was holding a pencil to Akiki. Akiki ran off and Connor approached Kevin.

“How did you do that? I was about to lose my mind.” Kevin laughed.

“I don’t really know, I had to deal with a lot of my siblings. Did you have any?”

Connor shook his head. “Nope. I’m an only child, and as you can see, not very good with kids.” Connor laughed.

“No I think you are, you just don’t know how to branch out with them. It took me a while too.”

Kevin and Connor held eye contact. Connor bit his lip and looked away, and didn't notice how Kevin’s eyes followed the movement. Kevin unconsciously leaned in a bit, Connor drawing him in unintentionally. Kevin’s heart started to pound, a blush creeping up his neck. Something about the ginger made Kevin want to be with him, near him all the time. Connor visibly swallowed around the lump in his throat forming from Kevin’s attentive gaze. Kevin licked his lips. 

All of a sudden there was a loud crash, startling the two boys. Connor and Kevin both paused before laughing. They had better go take care of that….

 

At the end of the day, both boys were exhausted, hungry, sore, with a headache and yet, grinning so wide their faces split in half when they made eye contact. Kevin’s ears started to warm up, and he noticed the pink on Connors cheeks when they looked at each other. Kevin realizes then, that for the first time in a _long, long_ time he’s actually **happy**. And happy with **Connor**.  

 

_Maybe everything will be alright._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Constructive criticism is always needed! ❤️


	5. We love to dance and shout, and let all our feelings out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything will be alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been away for a while, but this is the last chapter! Thank you all for reading, it means so much! Hope you enjoy!

In the following weeks, Kevin and Connor were inseparable. Even Arnold was jealous, Kevin comforting him that _no,_ Connor did not replace him _,_ and _yes_ he is still his best friend.

It seemed, for the first time in a while, everything was going great. The villagers and Elders have worked incredibly hard to improve the state of the village, and now, the results are actually appearing. Kevin, along with Connors help, is doing really well. He doesn’t sleep in as late, and he eats a lot more. Most importantly, he doesn’t feel the need to hide his emotions, his feelings and _who_ he really is.

The only problem is, there has been a sickness going around, Gostwana being extremely occupied. It seems to be a severe cold or even flu, and especially in Africa, people needed to be careful. The Elders, so far, have been able to avoid it, staying inside and wearing masks, but the sickness has been spreading rapidly and more and more people have been getting sick. 

Connor woke up, feeling a sharp pain searing behind his eyes as the sunlight blazed into the room. At first, he didn’t open his eyes, head ringing, tongue thick and swollen in his mouth. Groaning, he rolled over and got up, clutching his head as he stumbles into the kitchen.

“Oh hey Elder McKinley!” PopTarts greeted him, looking up from his daily morning Poptart. He’s been limited to just a couple, as he kept sneaking them throughout the day. 

“Are…. you okay?” 

Connor looked up and tried for a smile. 

“Oh! Yes Elder I’m just fine. Just a bit under the weather at the moment.”

PopTarts eyes him warily but nodded. “Well would you like some breakfast then?” 

The thought of breakfast made Connors stomach swirl. 

“Ah.. no thank you, I’m alright for now. I think I’m going to head out to the garden.” 

The garden needed daily watering and up keeping, Connor and James were supposed to do that today. As he headed outside, the heat made him even more aware of his headache, and the sheen of sweat on his forehead, and the fact that chills ran through his body even as the ground sizzled with heat. 

“Hello James.” Connor croaked out in greeting, lifting a hand as he walks shakily into the tumble of plants. James was already outside, waving a hand back. 

“Oh hey Elder.” James paused. “Are you feeling okay?” 

 Connor nodded. “Do you have the water?”

James reached down and grabbed a bucket. They have a well, it’s just vary far away. Connor sent a quick thanks to God that James already got the water, he didn’t know if he could do it himself. At least not today. They started watering the plants, or at least trying to, with all the lack of proper tools. 

It only took around a few minutes of standing there but Connor began feeling lightheaded. 

But, he continued to work, even as his stomach protested and head spun. As they started collecting the vegetables that were grown and ripe, spots appeared before his eyes. He felt his knees give out a bit. James quickly came over to steady him. 

“Hey.. hey Connor? I think you should rest. You look really pale.” 

Connor shook him head and tried to walk again.

“I’m… I’m fine Elder. I’m fine. No.. no need to worry.” 

Not two seconds later, his stomach finally had enough, and he bent over and emptied his stomach onto the dirt. 

 

“On second thought, maybe I do need to lay down.” 

With that, he fell limp and onto the ground. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Kevin was with Arnold, heat sizzling around them. They are walking to Nabulungi’s hut, discussing how the subplots from the old Star Wars movies and new movies align. 

“Buddy… I just think that each movie has their own characters and different problems… like I just don’t think they are comparable.” 

“Hey! You cannot deny that the _Last Jedi_ has _way_ too many connections with _Revenge of the Sith._ Like take for instance -“ 

“Elder Price!” 

Kevin turned around at the call of his name. 

“Oh! Hey James! What’s going on?” 

James was breathing heavily by the time he reached the two.  

“It’s - it’s Connor.” 

Kevin’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?” 

 

“He’s sick.” 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  


“Where is he?” Kevin demanded, swinging into the clinic, hair wild and damp with sweat. He was breathing hard as he looked around for a familiar ginger. 

Gotswana slowly looked up from some paperwork at the interruption. If Kevin wasn’t mistaken, he looked highly amused. 

“Well... Kevin Price is that who I see? Storming into my hut so soon?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Where is Elder McKinley?” 

Gotswana smiled. “He’s right over here if you must know.” 

Kevin looked to his right, and on one of the last beds, lay Connor.

He rushed over and knelt down. “What happened?” 

“He passed out this morning. Severely dehydrated and with a cold.” 

“A cold? Isn’t that, super deadly? Especially here? The one that’s been going around?” 

Gotswana rolled his eyes. “Indeed it is, which is why you shouldn’t be here. Or at least you could wear a mask.” 

Gotswana reached one out of his coat, and gave to the brunette. Kevin huffed but put on the mask anyway, mumbling under his breath. 

“Elder McKinley here will be alright. He is just going to have to be here for some time.” 

“How long?” 

“Mmm… perhaps two days at most, maybe less, all depends on if he gets proper rest. The cold should be out of his system in a few days, as long as he is hydrating he should be all better.”

“Do you mind if I stay here with him?” 

“Of course not. Just stay hydrated yourself, we don’t need two sick white boys.” With that he walked away chuckling, checking on other patients.

The brunette nodded, mostly to himself, and glanced down at Connor. His face was pale and a layer of sweat covered his forehead. His eyebrows were knitted in pain, even in his sleep. Kevin despises helplessness, something he commonly experienced in his hell dreams. Something he’s experiencing now. But now all he could do was wait until Connor woke up. 

 

* * *

 

 

Connor groggily opened his eyes, lights and shapes all in a blur around him. At first, he felt the pain. His head pounded, and his inner arm duly throbbed. And then, in a quick moment of clarity, his vision focused and he winced, taking in everything. 

Then, as he shifted in bed, he felt something he didn’t notice before. His hand…. it was being held? He looked over and saw a mat of brown locks slumped over sleeping. It was Kevin, leaning over in a chair next to his cot. His face was relaxed, except for noticeable bags underneath his eyes. 

_How long has he been here? How long have I been here?_

“Ah! Elder McKinley!” 

Connor snapped his head around at the sound of Gotswana, and internally winced, as his ears still rang. At the loud voice, Kevin shot straight up and looked around wildly.

“What’s going on?”  

Then he caught sight of Connor. 

“Connor? Oh my gosh you awake!” He tried to hug the other Elder but Gotswana stepped in. 

“Now, now, Elder Price, he is still sick and you are in just as much danger from falling ill as he is. He is much better, thankfully we had an IV, but still there is a mild fever and maybe some stomach issues.” 

Kevin grimaced at that, while Connor merely shrugged. “Could have been worse.”  

Kevin looked affronted, and turned his head towards the ginger. “You passed out! What do you mean _it could have been worse?”_

“That is very true Elder McKinley, it could have been worse.” Kevin glared at Gotswana.

“He is right, he could have died. Now, Elder McKinley is free to go home tomorrow morning, and get some rest. No work, no exercise for about a week. Make sure you eat, and drink water. That’s the most important part. Anyway, ask if you have questions, I’ll be around.”  

Kevin turned to Connor, still grasping his hand.

“How are you feeling?” 

Connor tried for a smile. “I mean… not be brag or anything but I could probably run a marathon.”  

“Oh really?”the brunette said back. Connor stuck out his tongue at Kevin.

 “Yes.” Connor replies “But only because I would totally beat you.”  Based on Connors pale face, he highly doubted that comment, but he smiled anyway, glad Connor is feeling good enough to joke. 

Connor sat up sporadically. “I need to go.” 

Kevin shot to standing. “Woah, woah, woah! Gotswana said you can’t go until tomorrow!” 

Shaking his head at Kevin’s reminder, Connor threw off the sheet on top of him. 

“I have to finish budgeting, we are _so_ behind on that. And I want to see everyone. Besides, these beds suck.”

He looked at Kevin pleadingly.

“Please? I won’t do much, promise?” 

Kevin signed reluctantly. “Fine.”  

Very shakily, Connor stood up. Almost immediately he fell down again, Kevin jumping to help him up. 

“Yeah I’m not letting you walk home.” 

Connor raised his eyebrows in confusion. 

“...what? How else will I get home then?” 

With no explanation, he helped Connor up, and before the ginger could react, he knocked Connors legs up and caught him bridal style. 

The short district leader yelped in surprise, clutching onto Kevin’s broad shoulders. Kevin snorted and started walking out the clinic door. 

“... you don’t need to do this.” Connor said, folding his body close to the taller Elders.  

“Oh really? Well then how, district leader, would you propose we get you home?” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “I could walk.” 

Kevin turned his head to meet the gingers eyes and laughed. The district leaders freckled face heated up at the sound. Connors head was tucked into Kevin’s shoulder, Kevin’s heart fluttered at the sight, and his fondness for the Elder grew. 

“Hey Kevin?” 

“Yeah?” 

There was a pause. 

“Nothing. Just saying your name I guess. Sorry.” 

Now Kevin’s ears warmed up. He glances over again, and this time, grins. As they approached the mission hut, there was a short silence. He felt Connors breath hitting his collar, puffs escaping his mouth tiredly. They stepped inside. It was around mid afternoon, and Kevin, gently as possible, laid Connor on the couch. He sat down at the end of the furniture, scooting Connors legs a bit.  

“Do you ever think of home?” Connor asked out of the blue. He was picking at some loose string on his shirt, not meeting Kevin’s eye.

Kevin paused and ducked his head. He thought of the village. He thought of air conditioning and comfortable beds, and cooler weather. He thought of roads and fast food and easier ways to get water, but home? He doesn’t exactly know what that is anymore.

“Sometimes. I suppose. I don’t think of my family that’s for sure.” 

Connor looked up. “Why?” 

“Well… lets just say my parents and I haven’t spoken in a very long time.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Kevin shook his head. No need for pity. He has enough for himself already. 

“Do you think of home?” Kevin asked back. 

“I don’t have one to go back to. I found out a week ago. They sent a letter… an official one of disownment, if you will.” 

Kevin’s heart dropped. “Connor…” 

Connor waved his hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it. Just wanted to tell someone.”

They sat in silence after that. Kevin was about to nod off into sleep, head falling back, when he felt pressure next to him. Connor had slid up from across the couch  and laid his head on his shoulder, yawning. Kevin tensed at first, but then relaxed, placing his head on Connors, cautiously. He smiled slightly. The short Elder was warm and soft. Kevin’s smile grew wider. Quickly they both fell asleep, hearts thumping wildly and cheeks burning. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kevin’s head shot up, slumber interrupted. His neck had a bit of a crick in it, but nothing terrible. It was considerably darker outside, the sun almost set, shadows creeping across the room like smoke. He looked beside him. Connors ginger hair was wild, sticking up and tickling Kevin’s chin as he slept on. The short Elders face peeked slightly out from behind that mat of hair.

 _It was strange_ , Kevin thought. Connor was so stoic in reality, always checking what he feels and when. His face usually doesn’t portray lots of emotion. Or any. 

But when no one is looking, he lets his true extroversion shine. Kevin thinks it’s beautiful. 

Connor breathed in a deep, sharp sigh, and his long eyelashes fluttered open slightly. Kevin didn’t look away, like he probably should have, but all he could do was _look_. Which might have been creepy looking back, but in that moment, he knew that what he felt for Connor .... was _so much more_ than he ever could have fathomed.

Connor realized Kevin was looking at him, and his eyes widened when the brunette held that stare. 

“You have beautiful eyes.” Kevin blurted, eyes widening as immediately, the feeling of embarrassment crawled up to his ears.

Connor flushed, and looked down. 

“You know… you’ve said that before.” 

Now Kevin felt double embarrassed. 

“.... When?” 

Connor chuckled. “At PopTarts birthday. You were drunk and we were by the river.”  

Internally slapping himself, Kevin tried to remember. “Oh.” 

“But.” Connor shook his head, looking up and smiling. Smiling so wide it was almost weird, face stretched wide in fond remembrance.

“You said to me, _even_ when you were wasted, that the drunk mind speaks sober thoughts.”  

Kevin’s eyes widened and heart jumped, almost in a hopeful way. 

“I said, if you say that to me while sober, I _might_ just believe it.” 

Kevin swallowed thickly. _Holy shit he was either really, really dumb, or incredibly smart._ He liked the latter. 

“Well. Do you? Believe it I mean?” Kevin stuttered. Kevin was sitting cross legged. Connor shifted so it was easier to face him, kneeling on the soft cushions. It was quite dark out, all the Elders were probably in their rooms, sleeping or otherwise. 

 _That means they also had dinner without us and saw us sleeping on the couch together and didn’t bother waking us, those bastards._ Kevin thought absentmindedly. 

Connor then leaned in towards him, body shifting over Kevin’s slightly, and now Kevin couldn’t think at all.

“Do you know what I think Kevin?” 

Kevin eyes widened and his gut stirred. Connor was up close now, arms on either side of the brunette, more vibrant and beautiful than ever. Kevin was internally panicking, his brain going haywire.  

_Holy shit I am gay. I am so gay. So gay for this short, annoying, stupidly beautiful boy._

Who happens to be really, really close. 

“What?” he whispered back, barely breathing.  Connor leaned closer. They were now inches apart, puffs of air intermixing. Kevin’s mind spun, and his eyes dropped down to Connors lips, _so_ close to his own.  

“I think ... we should…” 

Kevin leaned in, bumping noses with the ginger just as Connor said, “Go to sleep.” 

Retracing quickly and gracefully, Connor got up and off Kevin. Kevin blinked slowly and looked up at the ginger through lidded eyes. Said ginger who had his hand on his hips and was smirking down at the brunette. 

“Goodnight Elder….. sweet dreams.” Connor sauntered away with that, hips swaying. 

_Since when did Connor get so smooth?_

Kevin still felt lightheaded from the encounter, letting out a shaky breath.  The only clear thought his mind could conceive was Connor, Connor, Connor. 

Kevin’s mind spun, tears catching in his eyes, breath catching in his throat as he came to the realization that was there all along, and finally, _finally,_ hit him in the face. 

He _wanted_ Connor. But more than that, Kevin wanted to be _with_ Connor. 

Kevin.. was… in love. He was in _love._

He has never been in love before, and that thought scared the shit out of him, but all he knew, that when he was with Connor, he felt _love_. And belief, and hope _,_ and all the things that have been missing from his life, from his _heart_ for God knows how long.

The tears finally broke free, making a trail down his red face, but for the first time, they were happy tears. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth and for once, he really allowed it. He _really_ smiled, and laughed, head tilted back, crying, alone in the dark on the couch in the middle of Kitguli, Uganda, because my _fucking_ God _he’s in_ _love. Real, raw, messy,_ **_love_** _._

 

And Kevin intended to do something about it. 

  


* * *

 

The next couple of days Kevin couldn’t focus. Couldn’t sleep. But it wasn’t like… before. No. The only consistent thing on his mind was Connor. It was more the kind of thing that made you feel jittery when thinking about, and yet so at peace with. When thinking of him, Kevin couldn’t stop, and eventually it became noticeable. Even Kevin realized it was an issue, and like all issues there can only be one answer: Arnold. 

Kevin slammed the door to their room. Arnold yelped, jumping up, immediately getting into a karate stance, ready to defend. Kevin thought it was ridiculous Arnold did that, but he did do it remarkably quick. 

“Kevin? Buddy you scared me! Little warning next time?” Arnold placed a hand on his chest, dramatically wheezing.

“Sorry. Look. I have an issue.” 

Arnold raised his eyebrows and snorted. “Oh? Care to explain?” 

“Yes actually. It’s Connor.” 

“Connor?” 

“Sorry. Elder McKinley.” 

Arnold laughed. “Oooo on a first name basis are we?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Yes. And I…” 

Arnold sat down. “Wait a sec. Hold on. Are you going to say you have an ultra mega, super duper, big fat crush on him?” 

Kevin stopped. “What?” 

“It’s kind of obvious.” 

“What do you mean! It’s not obvious!” 

“Ah ha! So you _do_ admit youhave an ultra mega, super duper, big fat crush on our district leader!” 

Kevin groaned, this was not how he wanted this to go. Whatever. 

“Yes! Yes, okay? I do. But please, don’t tell anyone? And…. well… I don’t think it’s _just_ a crush.” 

Now Arnold’s attention was really piqued. “Are you saying….. you’re in _love_?”   

Kevin shushed him. “Maybe. Most likely. Yes. Yes I am.” 

Arnold’s squealed. “Holy guacamole! My bestie is in love! How did you know?” 

“I mean… he’s just so… beautiful... and smart and just _amazing_ all around. Ya know?” Arnold chuckled. 

Now Kevin really was gushing. “And _god,_  he’s really warm and soft and nice and actually really funny, but in his own sort of way? He’s just so _Connor_. And I love him for it.” 

“You gotta tell him buddy.” 

Kevin froze up. “Nope. No can do.”

“Why not? It’s _obvious_ he feels the same way.”  

Kevin dared to give up hope. “You think so?” 

“You are such an incredible person buddy, but you are also _such_ a fool in love.” 

Arnold grabbed him by the shoulder, and got in his face. It was Arnold’s way of communicating with others, especially when he was about to say something insightful. 

“Bestie, it is so, _so_ clear to anyone with eyes. All you gotta do it look.” 

 

 _And there it is,_ Kevin thought. Lleave it up to Arnold to give the most insightful answer ever. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

That night, Kevin was up again, sitting on the couch reading in faint light. It was around two in the morning, and Kevin has brewed a fresh cup of coffee. _Old habits die hard,_ he supposes. Then, he heard, or rather felt, the couch sink next to him. 

“Hey.” 

It was Connor. Kevin grinned, “Hey yourself.” 

Connor flushed, and Kevin remembered their last encounter in the same spot not too long ago.  

Kevin put his book down. “What are you doing up?” 

“Oh… I couldn’t sleep.”

 Kevin nodded. Same. They sat in silence for a while, Conor awkwardly sitting next to Kevin, not knowing how to approach him. 

“Do we still have that game?” Connor asked out of nothing else to say. Kevin started in surprise. 

“Um. What game again?” 

“You know… didn’t we buy Monopoly? At the market? Back in Chapter 1, with that one scene no one remembers?” 

“ _Chapter_ _1_?” 

Connor shook his head. “Never mind.” 

Kevin did remember now. “Oh! Yeah we still have it. Why? You wanna play?” 

Connor looked sheepish. “Maybe. If you want to.” Kevin caught his side eye and smiled. 

“I would love to.” 

 

Kevin always loved playing board games with his family, especially his mom. Let’s face it, he is totally a mama's boy. _Was_. Whatever the case, Kevin felt some nostalgia at playing Monopoly, even with Connor, who is so different from any of his family members. 

“Hey! You took park place? No fair!” Kevin whined. Right now, he his getting his ass handed to him, Connor more than happy to serve it. The ginger smirked in response. 

“Well maybe if you weren’t so terrible at this game, you would have it. I thought you said you played with your family?” 

Kevin mocked him in a baby voice. “ _You said you played with your family -_ Well my family sucked at it too, so there!” 

Connor raised his eyebrow. “Was that an insult to me.. or?” 

Kevin laughed and shook his head. “Yes.” 

Connor nodded jokingly.  “Well then. Oh and I don’t sound like that.”

Snorting Kevin replies. “Yes. You do.” 

Connor stuck out his tongue as Kevin rolled the dice. A one.

_“God damn it!”_

Connor cackled at Kevin’s outburst, throwing his head back in laugher. “Language! And keep it down you’ll wake up the house!”

Kevin rolled his eyes but chuckled anyway. _Never mind, this was way better than playing with his family._

Once the game lulled, they both traveled back to the couch and sat down. Connor had been talking adamantly about his golden retriever named Betsy, which Kevin snorted at saying _how Mormon could you get_ but ultimately finding it adorable. 

“I had a fish growing up. Two actually, names scales and bubbles, very creative I know.” Kevin explained 

“Ha! You mocked me for having a golden retriever, but you have fish named _scales and bubbles?”_

Kevin stuck his tongue out. “Whatever.” Connor giggled. 

“So. Any girlfriend?” That shocked Kevin a bit, not exactly the girlfriend part but the fact that Connor wanted to know. 

“Um. No. I’ve never had one actually.” That made Connor gasp in mock surprise. 

“What? _Kevin Price_ never having a girlfriend? Color me surprised.” 

Rolling his eyes, Kevin spoke, “Hey! It’s not like you’ve had one…. right?” 

Connor giggled. “As much as I hate to admit it, I did have a girlfriend once.” 

Now _this_ surprises Kevin. “You’re  _joking._ Right? I thought you were…”  

Kevin didn’t say it but Connor caught his drift. 

“Yes, Kevin. I am gay, you can say it. It… it’s been a long journey for me, in terms of accepting myself, but. I think I have. I am gay and proud.”

He laughed breathlessly. “And besides, no eighth grade girlfriend can change my mind now.” 

Kevin giggles at the thought of Connor with acne and braces awkwardly holding hands with a girl. 

“Hey! Don’t mock my gayness.” 

“I'm not! It’s just… imagining you with a girl is so _weird!”_

Connor laughed at that. “Well ... imagine me with a guy then. Probably less weird. Maybe.”  

As an image of Connor with a guy flashed into his mind, a sticky feeling emerged from his gut. He didn’t like the thought of Connor holding hands with another guy, didn’t like thinking about Connor dating another guy, and _definitely_ didn’t like Connor kissing another guy. Not if the guy wasn’t himself.  

“Um yeah.” Kevin coughed. “A bit weird but, then again, not you with a girl so.” 

Connor and Kevin laughed awkwardly, Kevin looking away quickly after that. 

 _Buddy you need to tell him._ Kevin thought of Arnold’s words. His heart started beating fast at the thought, and he decided that nope, later. He’ll do it later. 

He will. 

  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Later came and went, and around a week past by. After dinner, the two were sitting side by side near the river they stumbled upon almost two months ago. Or well, in the day light, it’s mainly a stream but who can tell?

The sun is setting, turning the water a purplish red color. In the past week, they had been closer than ever, Kevin missing perfectly placed moments to confess, much to his own, and Arnold’s dismay. 

“We never did finish our game of 20 questions ya know.” Connor speaks first. Kevin grins at the memory. That was one of their first bonding moments.

“Yeah I suppose we didn’t....Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?” 

Connor grinned beside him. “I like sunrises. Kind of the start to a new day I guess. And, they are beautiful when they rise.” 

 _Like you._ Kevin thought. _God that was gay._ But Kevin thought it was fitting. Just like how sunrises take a while to bloom, and to fully come up above the horizon, Connor took a while to as well. Kind of hiding, never fully _there,_ until he was. And my god was he captivating.  

“I like sunsets.” Kevin spoke. “Kind of like symbolism I guess? I think of it as an ending, good or bad. A chance to start over again tomorrow. No matter how badly you screwed up today, you can always fix it.” 

Connors eyes were on him, intent and searing as Kevin spoke, making the brunette melt more than the sun ever could. Connor is so incredible, inside and out and Arnold was right. He is a fool in love. 

“What is something you’ve never told anyone before?” Connor asks, making eye contact once again. The taller Elders freezes, and makes a decision. Gathering all his courage and strength, he smirked at Connor, trying for confidence. 

He leans in to Connor, mouth directly near his ear as if telling him a secret and whispers, “Nataka wewe uwe wangu.” 

Kevin grinned internally, and thought, _taking language lessons from Naba had been helpful after all._

Connors breath hitches at the sensation of Kevin being so close, his breath, his smell, all there. Connor feels a bit dizzy, and he bites his lips in concentration. He doesn’t know what the handsome brunette said, but Kevin is captivating, looking and acting like he does, and Connor is paralyzed. 

“What does that mean?” He asks, voice cracking ever so slightly. He feels Kevin grin, smiling into his ear. When Kevin did speak, it’s barely a sound, but Connor couldn’t hear anything but him anyway, not even if he tried.

“ _I want you to be mine.”_ Kevin breathes out, reaching a hand to brush Connors hair behind his ear. Connors eyes widen and he shudders, a blush taking over his face. Kevin leans back a little, head turned towards the ginger. They are breathing the same air, hearts beating as one, as they take in each other, light framing their faces. 

After a few painful minutes of tension, Kevin surges forward, and captures Connors lips with his own. Connor makes a noise of surprise as Kevin connected their mouths together firmly. Then, as suddenly as he surged forward, Kevin leaned back, breaking the connection.  

“Your turn.” Kevin stated, shocking Connor out of his stupor.  

Connor blinked slowly. “What?” 

“I said,” Kevin shifted closer. “It’s your turn.”  

Oh right the game. “Um.” Connor stuttered.  

Kevin’s smirk widened. 

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.” 

Connor felt his heart stop. “I wanted to do this for a very long time.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Do what?”  

Instead of answering, Connor leapt forward into Kevin’s arms, knocking him over. He connected their mouths once again and this time, didn’t stop, moving against Kevin’s soft lips. The brunette made a noise that seems to shock both him, and the Elder on top of him. The sound spurred Connor on, as he moaned and dug his hands into the silky brown hair. He pulled sharply on Kevin’s locks, prompting Kevin to nip at his lips. Almost immediately, Kevin’s tongue was in his mouth. 

 _Kissing is so weird,_ Connor thought, but changed his mind quickly once Kevin brought their hips together, flipping them around so he was on top, and Connor was trapped. The ginger groaned into Kevin’s mouth, desperate to get closer to the brunette on top of him, bringing his hips down and kissing him breathless. 

When they broke the connection, Connor opened his eyes and saw Kevin. Beaming, beautiful, Kevin, as radiant as the sun setting behind him. Both boys were panting, and as Kevin stood up brushing off his pants, he reached down and helped the other Elder up.

“That. That was amazing. _You_ are amazing, and talented and smart and beautiful and incredible.” Connor giggled at Kevin’s little spiel.  

“But. When it comes down to it, Connor, you are just you.” 

Connors elation sank a little at those words, and he looked down at the grass below him.

“But that’s the best part.”

The words were barley a whisper but Connor didn’t think he could hear anything better. He looked up at Kevin hopefully, and found the brunette already tearfully smiling at him.

“You have helped me grow and heal, _so much._ And I realized along that time, that you are the brightest, most _brilliant_ person I have ever met. I didn’t see that at first but I do now. And I could never, ever, let something so _incredible_ get away. So.” Kevin sucked in a breath. 

“Will you be my boyfriend? I… I promise to make you happy.” 

Something about that felt familiar. Connors mind flashed back to the first moment by the riverbank, this exact spot, just months before. When Kevin was wasted and Connor was lost. 

_“Do you think I could make you happy Kevin? Because you make me happy. Really fucking happy. Even if I don’t show it.”_

Connor guesses he didn’t have to wish to the stars that night for a miracle.

There was already one beside him.

 

Connors eyes filled with tears as he choked out, “You already do, dummy.” He giggled through his tears, and Kevin did the same, smile standing out in the fading light. They linked pinky fingers, in a promise of sorts. A promise to hold on. To be there. To be _happy._

And in that moment, two very white, very lost boys, in Kitguli, Uganda, knew that in each other they could start putting back the pieces of their only slightly - cracked hearts.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first fanfic, so all constructive criticism / comments / ideas are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Thank you all! ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is always needed. Hopefully the next chapter will be out soon ❤️❤️


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